And then Buffy Killed Edward THE END
by GiantFloatingIce-creamOfDeath
Summary: Buffy is the new girl in town, Bella is her neighbour, Carlisle is her doctor, what will happen when she finds out they're vampires, and what the heck is Alice doing in her room! Contains extreme OOCness - rated T for language violence character death
1. Chapter 1

None of this should be taken seriously ^.^ . We do not actually hate Twilight. So enjoy!

Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight or Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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_**... And then Buffy killed Edward THE END**_

Chapter 1

The morning I arrived in Forks, I knew. This was a town that I could really sink my teeth into. Somewhere I could relax, and not worry about demons, werewolves or, Lord forbid, another vampire. I'd had enough of those to last me a life time, especially the vampires.. Angel.. I thought wistfully as I stared out of my new bedroom window in our new house.

I ran my hand along the wooden windowsill, realizing only too late that it hadn't been sanded down yet and was covered in splinters. I cried out in pain, as a medium sized wooden spike became stuck in my arm.

Blood welled up around the wound, and I feared that by pulling it free, I would die from blood loss! I couldn't chance it. I dashed down stairs, taking the steps three at a time, and almost taking them 10 at a time because of it...

Sprinting down the hallway I realized with a growing terror, that we didn't have any bandages yet... That was why I was alone in the house, Mum had gone to buy enough supplies to last us the winter! I struggled to calm my breathing and scrambled outside, looking around wildly.

I hadn't brushed my hair this morning, and because I get the most fantastic bed-hair EVER, my head looked like it hosted a field of grass that had been mowed by a maniac. So it was almost no surprise when a surprisingly plain-faced brown-haired girl of around my own age screamed at the sight of me running towards her.

She was, of course, my neighbour. I had done background research on all the residents of the town before I agreed to moving here, because you can NEVER be too careful. Isabella Swan, Bella for short. Quite popular in this town, and I could see why. She matched this plain terrain perfectly. Blended in just enough, but not so much that no one noticed her. She was quite the player and had a large number of males lining up, just begging her to bed them. She had said no to all of them so far, but that other fella, Edward Cullen was his name. He was snuggling up to her quite nicely.

It was probably incest.

"Oh please!" I begged her. "I ran out of bandages at my house, you have to help me!! I'M GOING TO BLEED TO DEATH!!"

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We hope you liked it! Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

Hi! this chapter was written by our tree friend, and the previous one was written by alltheangelsinheaven! (ATAIH). The next chapter will be written by Psych0tic and then the cycle will repeat, just to let you know! ;)

Chapter 2

Isabella Swan ran into her own house and some maniac with a shotgun leapt out the door shouting something about desperate oversexed boyfriends. He cocked the bloody thing and got into the truck, while she came sprinting out of the house to bang on the door and order him out. _... What a bunch of weirdos…_ I decided that since the wound on my hand was pretty much gushing blood at a slower pace that I could take my chances and back away slowly. That way, I won't have _another_ gaping hole in my body to worry about.

Some flashy car pulled up and that guy Edward Cullen got out, only to duck behind the car in a panic. "Whoa!" he yelled, waving his hands.

"You!" roared the guy, who was moving pretty well despite the fact that Bella was practically dragging him back to the house. _What a wuss… Can't even deal with his own father… Incest. Eurgh._ I thought, backing into my house and pulling the door shut. Not an easy thing to do when your hand is slippery, for obvious reasons. "Oh, hey!" the blood flow had slowed a lot, or at least it _looked_ that way. Hard to tell. At least Forks wouldn't have and psychotic vampires that'd hone in on my blood. That would be awkward. _Oh, hey, I'm your new neighbour, and you're a vampire, right? Well, I'll just stake you now, no hard feelings. Do you mind if I borrow some milk while you die slowly?_ Haha, yeah. That'd happen. As I gritted my teeth and yanked out the bloody great splinter - _oh, hey, I could use this as a stake! - _thunder rumbled and I heard some crappy red truck pull out from next door. Man, I'd hate to be the girl who gets a crappy red truck as her first car. Edward Cullen and Isabella Swan… Cullen… I remembered that there was a hospital somewhere in Forks, so I should probably go get my hand checked out. And scout the area. For… good-looking doctors… that could be vampires in disguise. Yeah, that's a good idea. Make sure the hospital's clear. Of course! I snarled at the sarcastic voice in my head that broke out in laughter, and leapt in the car. _Gee, it's really convenient we have two cars in such a crappy little town_. Oh, well.


	3. Chapter 3

**HI AgAIN!! it ATAIH again, (alltheangelsinheaven), this is Psych0tics chapter!! so yay! **

**Disclaimer: I DISCLAIM!! Neither of my co-writers OR myself own Twilight, Buffy, Edward, Bella, Carlisle... But we MIGHT own the mysterious figure at the end of this chapter.. hehehe**

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**Chapter 3**

I revved the engine and backed out the driveway, maintaining a lookout for any gun wielding madmen. Not spotting any, I drove away in search of the hospital. After weaving through the streets for the all of 5 minutes it took to go through the whole town, I spotted the hospital.

Well, I assumed it was the hospital, mainly because it had a sign that just happened to read "Forks Hospital". Feeling a bit woozy from loss of blood, I wandered in the front entrance, leaving a trail of crimson droplets, and promptly collapsed. I've discovered in the past that it's an effective way to attract some attention. Well, it worked. 

Ten minutes later I was seated on a hospital bed with my hand treated and a stupidly perfect blonde doctor going by the name of Carlisle Cullen assessing me. _Seems like all the inbreeding doesn't just result in deformations all the time, _I thought in the moderate privacy of my just-ever-so-slightly crazy mind. Just to make sure, I asked "Are you by any chance a numerous-hundred year old vampire disguised as a doctor?" This Carlisle character looked at me with alarm and replied with a question. "How on this pitiful little earth did you figure me out? Was it my obvious perfection? Or my extraordinary charm?" He flicked his hair behind his ear as he said it, trying to look super dooper attractive. 

I blinked in surprise. "Are you joking?" "No," he replied. I jumped up and from somewhere conjured a wickedly sharp machete. "I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer! And I was hoping for peace in this little hole in the middle of NOWHERE!!!!!!!!!!" I chased him out of the room and attempted to hack him into pieces while he ran away screaming like Edward Cullen earlier. In other words, like a girl. He squealed one thing over and over and over - "HELP ME!!!!! SOMEBODY SAVE MY SEXY BEHIND FROM THIS RABID LUNATIC!!!!!2!!!!" 

A masked figure jumped through the window and landed flat on his face. He recovered quickly, shouted "Did I hear a fair maiden calling for help? I'll save you!" and removed his mask, to reveal a face I knew only too well... 

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	4. Chapter 4

**This is ATAIH's chapter! thank-you to everyone who is reading this story, its loads of fun to write (even though I have a cold right now...) Please review!!**

**Reviewers get cookies.. hehehe... virtual cookies...**

**xD**

**Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight, Buffy, and sadly, we don't own the masked figure from the last chapter.... :( BE FREE BIRDIES!**

**:D (there are no birdies... play along or she will go crazy...)**

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**Chapter 4**

I stumbled back in horror, my eyes glazing over ever-so-slightly and my gleaming machete almost fell from my pale-skinned hand. No.. It couldn't be... It just wasn't plausible, not here, not now! I stashed the machete into its sheath in my cleavage and leapt out of the hospital through the window that _he_ had left open, and, grabbing a branch on a nearby tree, swung myself down to the ground. After an half and hour or so of running I realised I had entered the nearby town of Smallville and was attracting quite a lot of unwanted attention. I get this a lot of the time, but today I was in a really bad mood, so I ignored the fact that all the punks that were trying to feel me up in this dark alley were human, and beat the living shit out of them.

Its a great way to relieve stress! You should try it sometime.

After my evening jaunt in the town, I stopped by a cafe' for some food, and who should see there?? You guessed right! It was little Edward and his Galpal Bella. They were sitting in a table in the middle of the room so that if perchance any camera's happened to be filming them, they would be at the best possible angle. I opted for a nice, out of the way seat, close enough that I could hear what they were saying.

"Blah blah blah," Edward was saying quietly. I can't be sure those were his exact words, but from the whiny sound in Bella's drab reply, I could tell that they were probably discussing some big dark evil secret I wouldn't want anything to do with. I leaned closer.

"I can read minds." Edward was saying. "I am a vampire, over 100 years old. I can hear every persons thoughts in this room, except yours..." He gazed hungrily into Bella's eyes, which she probably mistook for love, or lust. Wait wait wait, back up here. CULLEN?! I remembered now, of course, it all made sense. Edward was Carlisle Cullens adopted son whom he turned into a vampire as Edward was dying from the spanish influenza, it was the only logical explanation. Clearly once he had become a vampire Edward had picked his nifty talent for reading minds, but probably the only special power Carlisle had was being sexy. What? Just because he's a demonic and evil vampire with no soul doesn't mean he wasn't hot!

I just can't afford to be picky in such a small town! Or I'd have to resort to incest, and since my only relation here is my Mum, it would be very awkward. And creepy. And so very, very inappropriate. Speaking of inappropriate, I sighed quietly to myself in relief, when I remembered that I had sprayed the mind-reading-repellent that had been made that very morning all over myself. It was lavender scented.

Leaning sideways once again, I managed to hear everything they were saying. Ugh, all he was doing was telling her about his vampirism and coldness and how everyone in the room was either thinking "money" "sex" or "cat". Men. Honestly, he takes a girl to a nice restaurant, and all he can talk about is himself. I stopped listening. I had more important things to worry about right now...

Beef, or chicken?

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	5. Chapter 5

**And cue chapter 5! (I think I spelt cue wrong...)**

**Disclaimer: We disclaim - we own none of the Buffy or Twilight characters :)**

**enjoy the story!!**

Chapter 5

Oh, good, they were too busy staring into each others eyes to notice that Edward's arm had caught fire from the candles someone had set around the table. This meant that I could escape through the subsequent smoke from the fire extinguisher AND the sprinklers, slipping out the door and standing outside looking like a drunken idiot who forgot where they parked. _Oh, wait…_ I ran here. God, I'm good! So… How to get home? I know Mum will have definitely come home from shopping since she left how long ago? Unless she got stuck in the supermarket again… _Right. Time to steal a car! Good thing I coincidentally know how to hotwire a car!_ "I have no idea how my arm caught fire!" I ducked behind a bush as Edward came out of the restaurant, Bella following like some sort of stray dog. "Well, I'll drive you home. At least your creepy friends aren't hanging around to make things awkward again."

Using secret vampire-slaying skills I climbed in the boot of the car while Edward was being a gentleman and opening Bella's door for her. Chauvinist pig. I could feel the motor of the awesome car start, and spent my time in the darkness of his boot thinking something along the lines of _I am so getting one of these…_ when I heard Bella gasp. _While he's driving?! Can't he keep his eyes on the road?!_ "Your hand is so cold." She muttered. I could only sigh in relief that I'm not going to die in a distracted driver-caused crash just yet. That would suck. Killed by a vampire. _Wait… He can read minds, right? _Awkward, I have to try not to think anything incest or vampire related. I lay back and tried to enjoy the ride in the cramped boot, when the car swerved and sped up, pushing me right up against the wall. "Will you slow down?!" Bella yelled. _Crap. I'm up against a whole family of vampires because based on this guy's driving he's obviously the middle child. That or he has a sister-complex. Well, that part's obvious._ I was torn from my fantastic deductions by the car pulling a 360 degree turn, before continuing on. _Either narrowly missed a squirrel, or the bastard knows I'm here…._

Quietly slipping out of the boot as the car stopped, I made use of Edward awkwardly staring at Bella like she was something to eat to slip back into my own house. Knowing I would face hell from Mom in the morning, I slipped upstairs and jumped as I saw the vampire in my room…


	6. Chapter 6

**ATAIH again, this time its Psych0tics chapter, (last chapter was Treemans chapter)**

**Disclaimer: We still don't own Buffy or Twilight...**

**enjoy the chapter!**

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Chapter 6

Oh, wait, no. It wasn't a vampire - it was just Mum after she'd jumped out of her warm bed to scold me. Severely. She always looked like this in the morning - insane bed hair, pale skin, large meat cleaver in one hand, black eyes, crazed grin. Just her normal morning style. I ducked to one side as she hurled the shiny meat cleaver at my face, narrowly avoiding it by using my ninja-like skills. Knowing my mother wouldn't believe my story about all that had happened in the last day, I waited to accept the yelling fit that I knew was coming. With flecks of spittle appearing at the corners of her mouth, she abused me about my lack of responsibility, tardiness and all-round horribleness.

When she collapsed, frothing at the mouth, and surprisingly also at the ears, I knew the shouting was done. I carried her back to her room and dumped her on her bed. She wouldn't regain consciousness until about 10:47 in the morning. I went back to my room, and lo and behold, there was a real vampire! In fact, a short vampire girl with black spiky hair. She greeted me by name. "Hello Buffy. I saw your coming by using my magical mystical future-seeing powers! Impressive, eh? Come on, admit it, you're impressed."

I stared at her. And stared. And then got bored with staring and drew my machete. "Die, stalkerish vampire-girl!" I screamed at the top of my lungs for effect rather than any particular desire to be heard. I jumped towards her and vanished like... a ninja! Because that is my secret identity! Buffy the Vampire Slaying Ninja.

So I popped up behind her and promptly blunted my knife on her neck. For lack of anything better to do, I punched her. That was the dumbest thing I have ever done. I nearly broke my hand and I reopened my wound! The vampire girl spun around. Her eyes were vacant and she stared at my bleeding hand. "Blood... Blood..." she moaned like zombie. By this time, I was sick of her annoying face. To solve that, I shoved her out the window. She seemed all too eager to learn to fly.

I collapsed on my bed and drifted off to my sleep, wondering what mad vampirical beings I would encounter tomorrow. Oh well, tomorrow is another day...

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**wow. that was a short chapter.**

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**my bad... -_-'**

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	7. Chapter 7

**HEY! ATAIH again (its like, always me) This time its my chapter! I had a cold when I wrote this, so to be mean I gave Buffy a cold too... **

**Lemsip max is two things; cold and flu tablets, and also it can be made into a drink for colds and flu's (not the tablets though... did that make any sense at all?!) Anyway, I'm talking about the drink in this case (later on in the story)**

**And finally! **

**The masked mystery man is ... unmasked lol maybe? o.o or IS he...**

**enjoy**

Chapter 7

I woke up with a cold. Don't ask me how I got it, just know that when I am sick, I get shitty. And when I get shitty, people die...

OK, generally they aren't people _per-say _but still, 'people' die! Ok? Deal with it!! ... See? I told you I get shitty.

I crawled my way downstairs and into the kitchen, groaning and moaning pathetically the whole way. "Mum..." I managed to gasp, before collapsing onto the couch opposite the t.v. Hey! We had a t.v.!! Who knew?

"Aw! You poor dear!" Cooed my Mother as she fussed over me, her break-down from the night before seemingly forgotten. "I told you you should be taking better care of yourself! You haven't been eating the donkey tablets I bought you, have you?"

"Of course I have Mum!" A blatant lie. All 'ingested' tablets were lying in a box underneath my bed. I had no idea what was in those things, and no matter where I searched on the internet, I couldn't find naught about them. This worried me. It worried me a lot. Therefore, to be on the safe side, I simply didn't take them at all. But what my Mum didn't know, wouldn't hurt her! Unless the tablets grew legs and became rabid monsters of doom and despair.

I may have forgotten to mention it, but when I am ill, my imagination runs WILD.

So anyway, after a while my Mum left for work. She works as a waitress in some cruddy restaurant. There's this guy there, who walks around like he has a giant sign attached to his forehead screaming "I WANT TO BE KILLED IN A BOAT AND HAVE MY BLOOD SUCKED OUT BY EVIL VAMPIRES, PREFERABLY NAMED JAMES, VICTORIA AND LAURENT. "

I mean, obviously not those _particular_ names, because that would just be too weird! I'd be like, psychic! And oh how I hate psychics....

Putting those dark thoughts behind me, I finished my lemsip max and pondered for a while.

After this thoughtful pondering, I picked up the phone at my side, and dialed _his_ number...

It rang three times before _he_ answered.. "Hello?"

"...." I was unsure how to reply. I had fully expected _him_ to have caller I.D. and therefore instantly know it was me, now I'd have to talk.

"Its me. I have the package." There was no reply from the other end of the phone for a minute or two, then suddenly the voice returned, sounding somehow... Gruffer. "Alright," He spoke, "I'll meet you at _that _place..."

I sighed a blocked up sigh and agreed. As I hung up the phone I accidentally pressed 'redial' and saw, that in fact I had dialed the completely wrong number! I didn't even know the person I had called! CRAP!

I chucked the phone onto the floor for dramatic effect, and it broke into hundreds of pieces... Fetching a replacement from the hall cupboard (one of many - spare phones that is) I put it onto the table, and dialed again, this time triple checking that it was correct.

It dialed four times before _he_ answered.. "Hello? Buffy? Is that you? I have caller I.D. now, and its telling me that its your number!"

"Hi Jake, yeah, its me. Listen, we need to talk."

"Sure!"

"First off there's something I need to know."

"Anything!"

"Are you a big muscly werewolf who can transform at will?"

".... How did you know?! How on this large round and mystical earth did you figure me out? Was it my obvious buffness? My fabulous figure? My beautiful skin? Tell me!"

Once again, my random questions merited truthful answers. I would kill him later, at some point when I wasn't using him to my advantage and pretending to be his friend. I expect it will happen some time after I get rid of that wretched Edward and his family.... Hehehe...

"Right. One more question."

"... We-ell... oh ok!"

"Why the hell were you rescuing that vampire Carlisle and dressed up like a lunatic in a mask?!"

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	8. Chapter 8

**Hey people!! ATAIH again (its never anyone else, why do I bother saying that...) This is treeman's chapter. He took a century and a half to write it so enjoy it!! **

**Oh, and here is a short, heartfelt message from the Treeman :)**

Treeman: See? With this changed, it's not actually a crossover! Bwahahaha!

**ATAIH: that was him talking about the reference to Friday 13th (the movie) which was based at Camp Crystal Lake, and we used Quartz Pond. see the pun? ae ae ae? lolz - (there is a reference to it in this chapter. Obviously..) **

**Disclaimer: We do not own, Buffy or Twilight. We also do not own camp crystal lake, jason, or Friday 13th!!. Just so you know. Like it wasn't already totally obvious. **

**...**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 8

"… Buffy… I think there's something you should know…"

I paused. Confessions like this usually led to me either dropping the phone, yelling at people or going out to kill neighborhood vampires to relieve stress.

"… What is it?"

"I'm not really a werewolf. I was just having you on... My real name is Jason! I came from a place called Camp Quartz Pond."

"….."

"Buffy?"

"Don't interrupt me when I'm using dramatic effect!" See? Told you I yelled at people. "So _that_ explains why you wear that mask! I always knew it wasn't just because you're ugly as hell!"

"… Well, anyway, I'm in another town now, far away. It's got a pretty cool lake and even a campsite! And guess what day Friday is!"

I looked at the calendar. Today was Tuesday 9th. "Go get 'em!" I said, knowing I'd be stopping by some time later to get rid of him. Honestly, when mass-murdering psychopaths get Caller ID on their phones, why do they only pick up when it's the hot blond girl ringing?

_That's_ how the FBI should do it! Anyway, moving on, it's time for me to relieve stress by killing vampires. Does it every time.

…_._ _Wait... Today's Tuesday… That means all the vampire kids will be at school._ Because it was obvious to me that this family of vampires, according to my calculations, would hide away in this hole of a town by going to school. _Hm…_ _A little adjustment… A little impersonation and…_

Okay, this wasn't what I had in mind. Mom came home _early_ and caught me on the phone, so _suddenly _she decides to step in and do her parental duty, which mainly included sending me to _school_. Great.

((Because everyone knows that I can pass for a high school student due to the imagination of a cross-over author! _Oh, the joys of copyright-infringement_.))

Walking through the school gates armed with nothing but a bag, school supplies and a machete still shoved down my cleavage, I walked through the empty school yard toward the office. Ignoring the pouring rain, of course. Giving it attention would only encourage it.

"Ah, you're Miss Va' ampiir-Slaeur, are you?" The office lady stopped gambling on the web and handed me a bunch of paperwork, smiling evilly at the fact I was about to go back outside.

"Actually its Summe-"

"Of course it is dear. I hope you'll be_ satisfied_ with your classes, I wouldn't want you coming back to request a transfer unlike _some people…_" She glared at some guy running through the door behind me, and with a quick look I realized it was Edward Cullen! _Oh, wow, he looks like a total loser… _I thought, visualising a halo over my head when he whirled around. "Cullen!" the hag at the desk called. "Could you escort this young lady to your next class? You have Biology together!"

"… Sure…" He said, giving me one of those '_I'm so cool, fawn over me'_ looks. Or did I confuse that with a '_this _isn't_ my I-want-to-eat-you' _look?

**Thats all for today folks!! **

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and PLEASE REVIEW!! I can't promise edible cookies, but there will be virtual cookies!! And a free virtual hug!!**

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**Ciao **


	9. Chapter 9

**ATAIH: Ok, so here we are again. WE HAVE RETURNED and now we can post another chapter.**

**And not just any chapter, THIS chapter, the chapter you've (mostly) all been (probably) waiting for!! **

**... So yeah. Read it. Now. Do it. :3**

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**Chapter 9**

No, I was sure it was the first one. Although if he was related to Carlisle maybe he was a vampire. Oh well, I was sure I would be able to identify it if he was. "Hi. I'm Boofy. Boofy Va' ampiir-Slaeur," I introduced myself. 'Cullen' frowned like he was trying to recognise something. Probably something like my name... "I am named Edward. Carlisle Cullen's son. Perchance you may have heard of my beloved father? He is somewhat of a hero in this quaint village," he questioned me.

Flying Spaghetti Monster, how his ancient way of speaking annoyed me. An idea struck me. Maybe his curious dialect stemmed from the fact that he was thousands of years old! The sheer genius of that struck me! I glanced at him and noticed the way his eyes were shifting wildly. Otherwise known as 'Shifty Eyes'. It usually indicates they are hiding something. "I'm not a vampire! And I'm not thousand years old! Nor are Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Esme or Carlisle!" he blurted all in one breath.

Had he somehow read all my thoughts? "No! I can't read minds!" he almost screamed. A tall guy with an almost shaven head caught up with us, incidentally walking the same way. Maybe he heard the yelling and came to investigate. Cullen dived behind him screaming "Protect me! She's figured me out, Emmett!"

The hugely muscled man looked confused. "What you mean, Eddy? Me no understand," he growled in a deep voice.

"Kill her!" Edward commanded the apparent idiot. Emmett seemed to expand and growl. The rumbling noise shook the ground, collapsing some of the nearby structures. He advanced, hands extended like claws. I stood still, prey in the sight of the predator. When the giant got close, he suddenly shut his eyes, turned his head and flapped his hands like a little girl trying to fight.

Edward's eyes almost exploded from his head. "What are you doing?!" he shrieked. For some reason, his shadow appeared to have grown. I looked behind him, avoiding the sight of the intellectually challenged giant. There, looming behind Eddy, was a 7-foot-tall masked figure wielding a presumably sharp blade.

He charged at Emmett and slammed the blade down on his wrist. Both the weapon and Emmett's wrist broke with a resounding crack. Jason howled at the loss of his beloved sword and as suddenly as he had appeared, he ran off to do some random violence to strangers.

Emmett collapsed clutching his wrist and sobbing. "Mummy! Please help me! Mum!" he gasped out. I promptly left the scene of carnage and collapsed in a corner, cursing all violent giants and my incipient madness.

Oh how I hoped I wouldn't have to pay for this...

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**Yay! You met Edward!! Doesn't that make you happy? Are you happy? You should be happy! **

**Except that apparently Emmett got his wrist broken. That hurts. Ouch. **

**Can vampires break limbs? Aah. Stupid question. Yet you never see the Twilight vampires getting broken limbs. I expect its because then they wouldn't be purrfect anymore. I mean, what kind of vampire is uber strong and then suddenly has to stop coz he got a broken wrist, or arm, or leg, or nose... I just don't see how it works. **

**OK, I will stop rambling now. I bet you guys don't even read the authors notes! :| **

**not that I can blame you.....**

**ciao-monkeys!**


	10. Chapter 10

**ATAIH: Sorry sorry sorry!! I know this chapter is overdue, and I wish I could say that its because we've been busy... But actually we're on holiday now... I was waiting for Psych0tic to write his chapter... But no luck yet. He was SOO late writing it that the men in white coats told me to post this anyway. So here it is!!**

**This chapter is by me!!! :3**

**Anyways, I don't know if I remember to say this for each chapter, but in case someone believes otherwise, we DO NOT OWN BUFFY OR TWILIGHT :)**

**we have officially DISCLAMED them from our story. Does that make sense? . ah aha h... just read the chapter lol im going crazy over here...**

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**Chapter 10**

My self pity session didn't last long however, as Spiky suddenly appeared behind me. _What the hell, these vampires are so damn persistant!!_ I'd been SURE that I'd killed her with that out-the-window-tip, but noo there she stood, as large as life (but not nearly as natural). "Bella!!" She smiled happily, as though I'd never chucked her out of my bedroom window.

"You're finally at school! I'm so glad! Now we can be BESTEST BUDDIES EVER! HAHAHA.." I stared at her as though she were a mad crazy and very confused vampire. Which she was.

"... My name is Buffy... Not Bella..." Spiky laughed and laughed and laughed. I was getting quite worried about both my mental and physical safety by this point, so I slunk away into the shadows of my next class (which was right behind me). I would have used my machete to chop her into little pieces, thus ending her miserable, depressing, and slightly aggravating existence, but come on! She had survived falling out of my bedroom window!! She could probably survive anything I threw at her right now! No, for now it would be best to simply observe them, and wait for the perfect moment to strike... I walked up to the teacher of the class I now had. Biology, it seemed. The teacher took my note from the office lady (I still hate her by the way) and pointed me towards an empty desk. Lo and behold, who should I find sitting beside me, but Bella-the vampire-sympathizer. I curled my nose in disgust and sat as far from her as was humanely possible, not because I disliked her, which I did (a lot), but because this girl stunk like a fourteen week old dead cow that had been left to rot in the hot sun in a sewerage pond. If you think I'm overreacting, trust me. We should switch places...

This chick had a weapon so lethal, I didn't doubt for a second that she could take me down just by lifting one of her arms... I shuddered.

"Today class," began the teacher, "We are going to be studying the genetics of ice-cream. Now, this is very important, and will almost definitely be in your end of year exams, which are less than thirteen weeks away. Lets begin with how ice-cream forms and reproduces..." I tuned out his voice. It was hard enough avoided Bella's stench, I saw no need to listen to a useless lesson as well. My day turned from bad to worse, as Bella turned to me and opened her mouth to speak. I almost died right then and there... This girl had some SERIOUS hygiene issues! Hell, did she brush her teeth at _all?!? _

"Its Buffy, right?" She whispered. I blanched as her warm, moist breath floating over me, and nodded slowly. Bella grinned (possibly the most traumatizing experience one might ever face, thank God I was looking away... (_thank you God_)), and stuck out her hand. There was something... Brown... Under her fingernails.. It might have been dirt, but for some reason I found myself doubting that she washed her hands when she came out of the bathroom... I dashed to the front of the class, grabbed some rubber gloves (the kind doctors wear to avoid getting their germs on their patient and vive versa), and after putting them on and grabbing a gasp of fresh air, I ran back to my seat.

I didn't want to, I really REALLY didn't want to, but I had no choice. I had to make myself her friend.. I had to somehow find out more about the vampire family... Were there anymore of them? What had Eddy said? Hmm..

"I'm not a vampire! And I'm not thousand years old! Nor are Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Esme or Carlisle!"

Well then. Seven of them altogether... I chuckled evilly to myself, gaining some nervous glances from my new classmates as I settled back down next to Bella... This could turn out to be very, very amusing...

I shook her hand and smiled. "Hi Bella! I'm new here, and I'd just LOVE it if you could show me around and stuff..."

Bella smiled. "Sure!" I grimaced (trying my best to hide it of course), and narrowed my eyes unintentionally, which always happens when I'm plotting something.

"By the way Bella," I smiled again, laying down some of my more potent hypnosis abilities. "Don't tell Eddy or his friends about me, ok? In fact, whatever we talk to each other about, don't tell ANYBODY.." :D

Bella's eyes took on a not-all-there sheen, and she nodded dreamily, her head lolling from side to side when she stopped.

My God, this girl was so stupid.. I chuckled evilly again.

This was gonna be so easy...

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**Well thank you for reading this chapter! We hope you had a pleasant flight, and ask that you remain seated until the plane reaches a full and complete stop. The weather outside is sunny, with temperatures of 20 degrees celsius. Please review this chapter, by pressing the button at the bottom of the page. Thank you for flying with Air GiantFloatingIce-creamOfDeath ;)**

**:D**


	11. Chapter 11

**ATAIH: Treeman's chapter this time. **

**some things have been mentioned to me about how this chapter is confusing, and for this we apologize *please forgive us. well, treeman anyway.***

**I would like to point out that this was written in a rush before exams... but someone asked why Buffy had been called Edward? I believe that Treeman is making a stab at student teachers, by saying that this particular student teacher is fresh out of teachers college and either hasn't noticed that it isn't Edward sitting there, or that he can't tell the difference. He then exclaims that this teacher is one of the pitfall of humanity in his next sentence. **

**I believe I have sufficiently killed that joke. **

**Please read and enjoy!**

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**Chapter 11**

Of course, once she came to her eyes _still_ had that not-all-there sheen, but I figured that was just normal. What I couldn't stand was the fact that the teacher was so obviously fresh out of teacher's college, mainly because he kept calling me Edward and steadily ignored Bella. Not that I blame him for the latter part, of course. How does this town seem to attract the pitfall of humanity?! … And… not quite humanity, I suppose. Is there even a word for that? Apart from vampire? I reckon the nervous wreck would be halfway home by now, or at least hiding in Smella's bedroom again. But, then again, I suppose the two places are really the same!

Class ended, and I used my awesome ninja skills to escape the classroom through the window while everyone was gagging over my secret weapon: the smelly girl lying on the ground. After they helped Bella up, they'd be too brain damaged from the fumes to notice I was missing! Genius! I ran out of that school like Jason were following me, and, after a very stern telling-off, he left me alone so I could walk again.

_Well, seeing as my peace has been shattered by a family of vampires, I suppose I'd better plan how to kill them all. I wonder if wooden stakes would work…?_ Wandering into some café, I ignored the lady sitting at the bar with her computer, typing away I might add, and ordered a mocha chino. _Stakes… I'd better find a good place to make them…_ While I was lost in my thoughts, my eyes wandered to the old guy with a moustache by the window. The waitress was just putting some kind of indistinguishable plate in front of him.

Narrowing my eyes, I realized with horror that it was a horribly disfigured steak! And my mocha was in fact a flat white! Resisting the urge to throw it at the waitress, because it was clearly the vampires' fault, I slumped down in a sulk. _I guess stakes are out of the question now… I'll never be able to look at anything that reminds me of that thing the guy's eating…_ An arm came down on the table, making my flat white jump and me jerk up violently. A guy leant on the bar in front of me, almost glaring. _What's with him? He looks like he's in pain…_ "I couldn't help but notice that you'd met my entire family except, of course, my mother Esme," he said. "But she doesn't really matter. It bothered me that you weren't going to bother finding me, Boofy… It bothered me so badly I wanted to cut myself again. My name is Jasper, and I'm a vegetarian… eater…type… person."

_Right. Definitely not stakes. How would a stake kill a vegan? They're best friends with trees!_

Backing away slowly, so he wouldn't notice, I smiled with obvious effort. "Great, nice to meet you, Jasper Cullen. I'm Buffy. Ah… I have to go now, so I'll leave you here."

Jasper looked depressed. Ignoring me, he flicked his hair over his eyes and mumbled to himself "Hm… I wonder if I should dye it black…" As I passed the lady with the computer, I peeked over her shoulder to see what she was actually doing, and what I saw disturbed me so much I forgot what it was.

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**Aaah this was so short... As usual now I think about it... -_-' **

**Thank-you for reading :3 please review, please please please please please**

**^ ^ ciao-monkeys **


	12. Chapter 12

**ATAIH: SEASONS GREETINGS (hohoho and all that) I hope (for those who celebrate Christmas) that Santa was nice to you, and if you don't that you are having a nice holiday, and if you aren't on holiday I hope that you are able to have one soon, and if you've just had one then I hope you enjoy working or being at school, and best wishes for the upcoming new year!! (for most of us.)**

**Phew. **

**I think I covered everything.**

**Enjoy this chapter that Psych0tic worked sooooo hard to write. **

**xD**

**ah, I keep forgetting to say this!! -_-**

**we disclaim the characters and settings (mostly) in this story, please note that we did not write nor film nor direct Buffy, Friday the 13th (from the previous chapters) or Twilight.**

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**Chapter 12**

Oh, that's right. She was playing games on the internet. Or more specifically, Bubble Tanks 2 on ArmorGames dot com. I paused momentarily to suggest that Fighter #3 and the Leecher Tank were the way to go and then kept going out of the horrible building. As soon as I was out of sight of the "cafe" I ran. In a way that was unusually similar to a bat out of hell. Incidentally, as I sprinted a bat with a 7' 3.602" wingspan (probably from hell) flew next to me and turned his head. "Run! A monster approximately 94 metres tall that kills everything as it passes is following me! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The bat then flew forwards and into a black vortex that transported him back to hell.

I stopped running and pulled my ninja gear out from behind the nearest tree. I slipped into the tight black clothing and pulled on the hood. Strapping my katana on my back and my pouch containing shuriken to my belt, I jumped towards the supposed monster, hopping from branch to branch. As I reached the tree canopy, I saw it. Green, gaseous and billowing, it was a cloud with a mind of its own. Any tree within the cloud died, its needles or leaves dropping to the ground. As the breeze changed direction I caught a whiff of the gas. Let's just put it this way – it smelt like the bio lab at the school. I facepalmed myself as the revelation came to me. My secret weapon had escaped! I leapt towards the Smell yelling, "Bella! Where are you?! Here girl!"

As soon as I sighted her, I whipped off my ninja gear and artfully hid it. "Bella! What did I tell you about leaving the house?" Bella saw me (I think – there's not really any way to tell if she recognises someone because she always has the same vapid expression on her filthy face) and hung her head. Utilising my hypnosis abilities again, I made her travel home as if nothing had happened. _There, all done._ I brushed off my hands and turned to go home.

I started walking, but lo and behold, there were some of those nauseating vampires again! This time it was the bumbling idiot Emmett and some new one I took to be… What had the emo one called her again? Ella? Eva? Nermal? Alfred Fernandapoyo? Esme! That was the one! I crossed my arms and waited for them to break the silence. Esme was the first to speak. Or scream in this case. "I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!! YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO EVERYONE ELSE BUT NOT ME?!?!?!?!? WHAT A SELFISH BIT-" Emmett picked her up bodily and smashed her head on a tree, counting in Russian as he did so.

"Один, два, три, четыре, пять, шесть, семь, восемь, девять." When he got to nine he threw her at a passing car (and yes, we were in the middle of a forest. I don't know why it was there either). "I am ever so sorry for that distracting performance, ma'am. She is prone to wild emotional swings. It is due to a condition called idiotitis. Carlisle was the one who discovered it and there has been only one recorded case so far. Her, in case you were wondering." Emmett noticed my dumbfounded expression. "You appear surprised at my eloquence. I suffer from multiple personality syndrome." I recovered.

"Oh. How unfortunate." I decided quickly that I could get to like Emmett. "Well, I should be off now," I told him.

"No you shouldn't," a grating voice from behind informed me as I felt something slam in to my back with terrific force and tear through my skin. I was spun around by the blow and the last thing I saw before blackness overtook me was a hairy muzzle dripping saliva…

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**OH NO whatever has happened?! IS SHE DEAD?!?!?!**

**find out on the next episode of **

**AND THEN**

**BUFFY**

**KILLED**

**EDWARD.**

**THE END.**

**see you next time!**


	13. Chapter 13

**ATAIH AGAIN here now at this moment. This is my chapter. Its been a (kind short) while, and so, in order to make you forgive us for not updating for sooooo long, I wrote a really long chapter. **

**I am sorry if you do not like long chapters.**

**When I say 'long' chapter, I mean, 1094 words and long for this story. yes. WELL enjoy it anyway, Treeman is on strike so we may not get a story from him for a small while. **

**BUT SOON!**

**Probably..**

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**Chapter 13**

When I awoke, I discovered (to my eternal horror and damnation) that I couldn't move at all. It was as though someone had injected me with morphine in an effort to prevent me from feeling pain, but instead had rendered me immobile. And all the while I was unable to laugh or scream in horror at the terrible tickling sensation in my foot, or the itch on my nose which was driving me completely INSANE.

After putting up with it for about seven hours, I managed to blearily open my eyes. Where was I? All I could see was a dingy dark grimy dungeon with stone walls, covered in medieval torture instruments and dolls heads. I myself seemed to be lying on a stone slab of some sort, but not strapped down at all. I was very hungry.

OH NO I though quietly and calmly to myself. THOSE BLOODY VAMPIRES GOT ME no wait it was something else... What the hell had happened?! Suddenly I heard the sound of a baby crying, getting closer. I was still too weak to even sit up, so I lay there pathetically, hoping if it was a threat that whatever it was would get close enough for me to spit in its eye, the only defensive maneuver I could produce under the circumstances. The baby + one carrier came into view and walked to my bedside. I gasped in horror, and then again to be sure that everyone had heard me. The second one was the more dramatic. For before me stood none other than EDWARD CULLEN holding a baby. He smiled down at it, cooing, and rocking it in the crook of his arm. It gurgled, and I realised that the baby was a doll, the sort that blink and eat and poo and make noises. I wondered if they died when they were shook, Edward seemed the type, and those heads on the wall must've come from somewhere...

Edward had failed to notice me, so I gasped again, my greatest gasp yet (though I think I inhaled a spider). "EDWARD" I cried in alarm. "Stop shaking the bab- ah, I mean, why am I here?!" Edward looked down and then smiled at me. His smiling was creepy, and I resisted the sudden urge to crawl under my stone slab.

"Why, Bella, have not you fathomed the answer by now?" I looked around just to be extra certain. Nope, no Bella. He thought I was Smella?! That was an insult and a half!!

"Look you little zombie, my name is BOOFY! Okay?! NO WAIT I meant Buffy! My name is Buffy! And ah, you better tell me whats going on right now! Or ELSE!" I admit it was a pathetically shallow threat, given that I was still lying (pathetically) on the table, but I felt the need to regain some control.

Edward giggled, yes giggled at me, and then accidentally broke the head of the doll off. He sighed and went to attach it to the wall with some cello-tape. "Look, Bella, I'm sorry, but there wasn't much we could do. Aside from kill that bloody werewolf Jacob by burning him with our minds, and then turning you into a vampire like us. On the plus side, your far more beautiful and far less smelly now!!" If I had had the strength to scream, I would have screamed. Then I realised I actually did have the strength and let my vocal chords have the time of their lives until Edward was deafened. "Bella, please, enough! We are going to have a family water fight, and you are invited because now you are a vampire! Isn't that wonderful!!" He smiled happily and bounced the dolls body up and down on one knee.

About another eight hours and ten minutes, we arrived at the scene of the water fight. Along the way I had realized several things.

1. That I wasn't actually a vampire. Edward had bitten my watch, not me. His stupidity knows no bounds.

2. That the thing that the werewolf had hit me with was its tail, there was actually nothing wrong with me, (the skin ripping was actually just my ugly cardigan which I was planning to chuck out anyway)

and 3. I was unconditionally, and irrevocably, going to kill Edward and his sniveling, whining family. Starting with Edward, and then working my way along in order from shortest to tallest. So I guess that Alice would be next, which meant no more stalker visits in the night...

I chuckled evilly as my stone slab was unloaded from the car, (I could actually walk by now, but I was rather enjoying the princess treatment, even if it was from a bunch of blood suckers).

Now that I had these facts under control, I settled down to watch the vampires splash each other (rather violently) with water bombs, and fervently hoped that they were filled with holy water. No luck. About half way through the game, a man dressed only in pants and a bra came crashing out of the bushes to stand near us, not breathing. I think that was what gave away the fact that he was a vampire. That and the fact that he had long fangs that dripped red like blood (but was probably just tomato sauce). He was soon followed by two others, a woman with red hair wearing a leotard and a furry coat, and a black man with snakes for hair. All of them had long fangs, red eyes, and smelled like orange juice.

"SUP MY HOMEY GEES" screamed the one in the bra. "MY NAME BE JAMES, AND THIS BE LAURENT AND MY MATE, VICTORIA. VICTORIA IS THE ONE IN THE LEOTARD." Carlisle stepped forward and glared at the visitors.

"What the f*** do want?" He asked them. Laurent replied, "Let us join your sport. James here is very stupid, but is good at throwing things. It could be quite amusing."

The Cullen's agreed upon this, and they were just about to start playing when James turned around, sniffed the air for a few seconds, and then said:

"You brought a snack!" All eyes turned accusingly to Edward, who sighed and pulled out a packet of cheese and crackers, handing them to James who began eating them with gusto. I breathed a sigh of relief at the knowledge that not only was this James stupid, he apparently had a terrible sense of smell.

That packet of crackers and cheese had gone mouldy long ago.

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**Hahaha... Yeah. **

**REVIEW please. Because you love us. xD**


	14. Chapter 14

**ATAIH: Hi again! Before you yell at me for not updating, (which would be fair since -apparently- we haven't updated for two weeks) please remember. **

**Its not Psych0tics' nor my own fault. This chapter was technically meant to be Treeman's chapter, but he hasn't has access to internet (since I reminded him that he needed to write his chapter, a week or so ago), and so no chapter has been written by him. **

**Instead, this chapter was written by Psych0tic xD so say thank-you~ after reading it, 'kay? He wrote it coz he loves you.**

**So sorry again for the late update *bows respectfully*. Please don't kill Treeman either, I guess its not his fault he has no internet *mutter mutter* but keep in mind that another update won't come until next Friday (NZ time). **

**There is an abbreviation in this chapter that I thought I should explain before you got too confused, 'FSM'. It stands for 'Flying Spaghetti Monster'. **

**Please, read and enjoy! **

**oh, **

**I've given up asking, really, but please, if you feel the need, we appreciate reviews *cries in corner* even though most don't bother...**

**but that just makes us appreciate the others even more!! Speaking of which, ****Encypher, this chapter is dedicated to you ****for being awesome and always reviewing! **

**:3 we love yoo**

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**Chapter 14**

After James had finished his (mouldy) snack, the vampires bombarded each other with renewed gusto. This bout of destructive water bombing culminated in the vampiric morons divided themselves into teams and, having run out of their water balloons, showering each other with rocks. Chaos reigned as a ruthless bloodsucker fight ensued.

Rocks, being remarkably harder than water, left scrapes and broken bones on the pitiful creatures. Emmett, apparently in his less than intelligent form today, ran up a tree to try to catch a stone to throw back. Instead, he ended up with a broken nose and mild concussion. James, having run out of stones, decided that Victoria would be his next projectile. He threw her at Edward who promptly used what's-her-name (the doctor's wife) as a shield. Carlisle collapsed after being hit in the groin by a ricochet from Alice, who then was thrown in a recently developed spring. It seems it was very deep. I made a helpful discovery then – vampires cannot swim.

None of the vampires noticed when I snuck into the forest to find my way home. On the way, I stopped to pick some mushrooms that I rapidly devoured. They didn't go a long way towards filling the hole in my abdomen but at least they helped to settle my stomach. After the mushrooms I continued on my journey to the dismal dreary drenched place that was Forks.

~Some time later~

I had to face the distinct possibility that I was lost. I had been wandering around in these woods for FSM-only-knows how long and I _still_ wasn't back at my house. Pity I couldn't see the sun to divulge the time or decipher my direction. I decided to continue on my meandering path for a bit longer. After what seemed like _hours_ (but was probably about 20 minutes knowing my rather hazy sense of time) I found a fairly well travelled path. This fortunate discovery lightened my spirits and I quickened my pace. However, just as I started eating up the distance, the worst thing possible happened. It started to snow. Okay, so maybe it wasn't the worst that could happen, but it was still pretty problematic.

The heavy snowfall quickly obscured the path and began to impede my forwards progress. I had no choice other than to wait it out in the curiously convenient hollow tree beside the path.

~Next morning~

I awoke to the sound of chittering squirrels scampering around in the tree. Wincing as a nut was dropped on my head, I squeezed out of the narrow hole in the trunk only to be confronted by a pile of hazelnuts lying on the snow. No prizes for guessing how they got there. Apologising to the squirrels for my lack of courtesy, I proceeded to demolish the cold nuts. After I had eaten the stash of nuts I set forth for the mystical land of... Cutlery. Not quite the best place to head to, but hey, at least a town of inbred vampires wasn't as bad as, say, a town of inbred _zombie_ vampires!

I walked and walked and walked and ran and walked and walked and jogged and walked and crawled through the piles of snow on the way to my destination. After what was definitely hours, I emerged from the forest to find myself in, of all places, my backyard. What was with that? Why did that random path lead to my house? Leaving the pondering for later, I walked out to the road to see if there had been any car crashes recently. Instead, I looked to my right and saw something even better...

Smella's house had been destroyed! Flattened to the ground! Imploded! Exploded! Both at once! Then, as I was watching, I laughed when I saw the source of the utter devastation round the end of Smella's fence.

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**Hooray! Wait, is that a good thing?**

**Smella: Where did my house go?!**

**Buffy: be quiet! I'm trying not to laugh hysterically!**

**ATAIH: now girls, now cat fighting!**

**Buffy: oh, and why is there a HOLE IN MY ABDOMEN?!!?**

**ATAIH: -_-' there isn't a literal hole there you know...**

**Buffy: oh. well. thats ok then, I guess...**

**ATAIH: Yes! SO we hoped you enjoyed reading the chapter!! Please come back next time~**


	15. Chapter 15

**ATAIH: I don't believe it... Its incredible, unbelievable, amazing, UTTERLY INEVITABLE!!!**

**So yeah. We're updating on time. Treeman actually wrote his chapter for once, HA! He made an effort. Yay.**

**Thank you (for the one person whom isn't a regular reviewer who reviewed our last chapter) we love you for that~ :3**

**Please read and enjoy!!**

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What _does_ happen when something explodes and implodes at once, anyway? Does nothing happen? As I'm looking at a pile of rubble, I can safely say something happens – something involving collapsing and spreading all over the ground. There's debris in _my_ yard, for heaven's sake! Standing in the middle of the rubble was a lone figure, covered in dust and wielding an overly large cleaver. Lying underneath him was the source of all my problems – Vampire Boy Edward Cullen. Charlie heaved with rage, knuckles white around his cleaver, as he ranted at the unfortunate below him. "You… oversexed teenagers!" he roared. "Hey! It was just a kiss, man!" Edward tried to reason with him. His words only made the throbbing vein in Charlie's temple larger. I looked at Edward in disgust. _You… kissed… that? You're braver than I thought_. "Calm down!" Edward whined. "Wasn't destroying your house enough?!"

"It was because you kept hiding behind things!" Charlie growled. He raised the cleaver again, and time seemed to freeze. _Should I help the vampire? So I can get rid of him myself? Or let the insane neighbour do it for me, then watch as he gets dragged to a federal prison? That way I get rid of a pain in the neck and a potential psychopath all in one!_ I deliberated over my dilemma as the coward screeched in his high-pitched, girly voice "Leave him alone!"

…_Eh?_ I blinked. Smella stood behind Charlie, having hit him with a piece of debris. The cleaver stuck out of the ground within an inch of Edward's neck, and with a sigh I remembered the whole thing about wooden stakes to the heart. _Damn_. I turned my head away from the emotionally scarring PDA session going on next door, putting aside my thoughts of whether Edward has a sense of smell or not. "SUP AGAIN!" A man in a bra ran past me and leapt over the fence. _Weirdo. Oh, wait!_ "Victoria! … Why aren't you dressed?" Edward said, prying Bella off him. Dropping the crowbar, he waited stupidly for James to reply. James waited awkwardly for Edward to click. I waited impatiently for someone to say something, because the home movie wouldn't be very interesting if they kept standing there.

"I BE JAMES, BRO" James screamed, in case the good people in China hadn't heard his name by now. Edward blinked stupidly – which seems to be his only facial expression – and jumped, tearing a packet of cheese and crackers out of his pocket.

"MEAN BRO!" James screamed. He opened the mouldy snack and was about to inhale it when it crumbled, and he retched.

"THAT SMELL! IT BE YOUR HUMAN BRO, BRO!" …_Bella? At least _he_ has__ a sense of smell…_ I thought as James threw a hissy. He lurched angrily toward Bella, obviously struggling to force himself toward her. Bella hid behind Edward, while he hid behind her, which resulted in what looks like a twisted game of Twister.

I pulled a wooden stake from my shirt and held it just in case…

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**Thank you, come again!**

**oh, and PLEASE REVIEW :3 becoz we love yoo **


	16. Chapter 16

**ATAIH: I'm SO SORRY!! **

**The late update was completely my fault... I had the chapter pre-written and everything!! But.... .... S*** happened. Well, actually, school happened... **

**I hate to say it, but the first week back at school was HELL for me, and not just because it was... well... school.. lol so the update was like, completely forgotten.**

**I was a bit... hesitant about writing this chapter... But I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later :| anyways, sorry if this chapter upsets anyone (which it shudn't or u wudnt be reading this story at all, right?)**

**Also, I think its appropriate to mention that the rating (hasn't changed) but the warning has (if that makes sense)**

**:Rated T for Language, Violence and Character Death:**

**Please read and enjoy!!**

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**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

Luckily for Edward and Manbra- I mean, James, I had no need to use it. For at that moment, a car careened around the corner and smacked into both of the vampires, missing Smella by barely an inch, and parked on Charlie's toupee, which had fallen to the ground when he did.

"BOOFY!" Yelled someone from the large car, as they leapt out. It appeared to be a female stranger that I had met in the classroom a while ago, whose name I had chosen to wipe from my memory. "Hey, did we hit something? I thought I heard a bump. Weren't there two other guys here a second ago?" I shook my head innocently, kicking Edward in the head to knock him out of the girls line of sight. "Oh." She wrinkled her nose in a way that I assumed was meant to be pretty, but actually would just give her permanent wrinkles when she was thirty. "Well, never mind then." And with that, she was off! Edward and James still lay immobile on the ground where the car had been, Bella was making a daisy chain beside the ruins of her house, and Charlie was still unconscious in the rubble. I took the opportunity to dash into my house, locking the door behind me.

"Buffy!" My Mum enveloped me in a crushing hug. "Guess what? I decided that we should go to Phoenix for a holiday!" I blinked stupidly.

"Uh, okay. When?"

"Now!!" Mother squealed, jumping up and down like a small child on speed. Wait wait wait, what?! Now!?

"Woah!" I brought a halt to my Mum's jumping, putting a hand on each of her shoulders. "Woah woah woah, woah, woah woah wait, woah, woah woah, woah! WOAH! Now?!"

"Yes! Now! I already packed your things and booked tickets, so lets go!" She hefted a bag onto each shoulder, one was hers, one was mine, and threw them gracefully into the car. And so it was, that three hours and twenty-three minutes later, we had boarded the plane to Phoenix, Arizona.

I was grumpy for the entire flight; my Mum's spur of the moment decision had thrown off all my carefully crafted plans for killing Edward Cullen and his rotten-no-good-evil-vampiric-demonic-hateful-smelly-less-than-intelligent-unless-you-meant-smart-Emmet-in-which-case-intelligent family.

So it was no surprise to either of us when I was still angry when we arrived at our holiday house. I stomped to my room and sulked there through till midnight, refusing any supper. Unfortunately because of this I became incredibly hungry, and had too much pride to go down stairs and face my Mother. Therefore I snuck out my window and down the drain pipe, (I don't really know why I did that, I was on the first floor), walking off into the dark, dangerous looking night.

I was looking for a place to eat, when I saw Edward jumping through a window into a ballet studio that happened to be nearby. Edward Cullen?! WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOING HERE?! My mind spiraled with possible answers as I ran through the door (that was open for some reason) and saw Bella lying in a heap on the floor. In front of her was Edward and Carlisle Cullen, examining a wound on her arm, poking it and whatnot, while she writhed in agony. I ignored them for the moment, because I had just seen something infinitely more interesting. It seemed that James had lost some sort of battle, (probably a bitch fight with Edward), and was about to be torn apart by Alice, Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett. I saw an opportunity, and I took it.

Now, I won't say that I'm not proud of my actions, because I actually am. But some people reading this might wail and complain at what I did next. I'm reminding you ahead of time, that I am Buffy. A Vampire Slayer. I'm just saying.

I dashed forward, using my ninja suit to slip past Edward, Bella and Carlisle unnoticed, and secretly swapped James for Rosalie in the arms of Jasper, Alice and Emmett.

I wasn't sure it would really work, but apparently their idiocy coupled with their blood lust, meant that they weren't really paying much attention to what was in their hands, rather than the fact they could tear it apart. Poor Rosalie never stood a chance.

Once the massacre had stopped, and I was feeling mildly guilty, Emmett and Jasper turned to congratulate each other, and Alice wiped her hands on her expensive looking blouse.

"DUDE! THAT WAS SERIOUS WACKED BRO!" Screamed James in alarm. "I BE RUNNING NOW!" And run he did, cackling all the way, until he smacked into the clear glass door and fell to the ground, temporarily rendered immobile. Meanwhile, I hid behind a conveniently placed couch, and chuckled to myself. One down, eight to go. Or you could say, Rosalie down, Esme Carlisle Edward Jasper Emmett Alice Laurent and Victoria to go.

I liked the first one better.

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**Sorry, I know it wasn't very long. Heh, I can say it now! WARNING; CHARACTER DEATH in THIS chapter!! **

**hehehe I didn't want to put it at the top, because that would give it away! (I feel deliciously evil now)(like chocolate)(mm... chooooccooollaaaate)**

**please review! **


	17. Chapter 17

**ATAIH: Hiya! This is an on-time update! WOOHOO its rare, so love it**

**This is Treemans chapter. Its a little short, but Ben and I (or just I) will probably compensate for this lol by writing a longer chapter, that is still 'short' by fanfiction standards :3**

**please read and enjoy! and then review~**

**disclaimer: guess what?**

**we disclaim :3**

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Since the only intelligent vampire here – Emmet (in a good mood) – was hugging Jasper in a creepy incest way, the pretty-boy Carlisle was left to pull Edward off Smella in a crazy life-saving way. "Stop drinking her blood!" he yelled. "That's just weird!" _…_ _This is what's weird_. "How can you bear the smell?!" Carlisle yelled. "If I were to get that close, my beautiful face would shrivel!" As Carlisle assumed the foetal position, lost in the imaginary horror of this, Bella started getting shmoozy with Edward, thinking somehow that he had saved her life. Instead of, rather, let's say trying to suck her dry. I was about to take advantage of the confusion to pull out that stake I had picked up back in Forks, finally putting an end to this ridiculous story – when I realised that sharp, wooden objects weren't allowed on planes – and had therefore been left behind. _Fffffff……………_ So I contented myself with dragging James off with me. After all, Manbra shouldn't be allowed to roam around like this. Some people might get confused.

*****5 hours later*****

"This isn't cool!" I raged loudly, stuck in a hospital bed. According to the doctors, I'd fallen off some stairs and smashed through a glass pane, which was weird, because they'd just taken in a patient with the exact same circumstance. Funny how that works, I thought. Instead, I'd quietly gotten rid of Manbra (I have to have _some_ results, right? It's not like my actions are conforming to a storyline or anything), then I got hit by a taxi and had to be rushed to hospital. Oh, well. At least I'm not in the mental ward again. I escaped exactly four minutes after being locked up with a deranged psycho killer. On a different note, Jason now owes me one, for completely unrelated matters. "Bella!" gasped some retard, busting into my room. "I was so worried! I almost couldn't bear to see you in so much pain!" _You were poking a gaping hole in her wrist! Of course it would hurt!_

"But at least your dad isn't here…" he breathed, lying down next to defenseless, injured me on the bed. He grinned, baring all eight of his sharp teeth.

"Now I can turn you into a vampire properly…"

*****Three weeks later*****

I awoke in my room, (back in Spoonsville – ah, I mean Forks). Limping downstairs, I got my morning bear hug out of the way with and went outside, walking past (and successfully ignoring) the rubble next door. Oh, if you have to know, my escape from the blind and insensitive vampire involved various surgical machinery and actions too dangerous to try at home. Because most homes don't contain high-powered CAT scanners or those machines that fire all the radiation. Anyway. All I know is that Edward won't be having any kids for a while… or ever… _fufufufufu…._

*****At the biohazard themed dance, that very night*****

A woman in a leotard stood in the window of a school building, staring down at two high-schoolers, (who were wearing gas-masks and green-biohazard themed formal wear), dancing together. Stalking habits aside, she obviously had no idea exactly how hard it was to stand in a window, and so, fell out of the window. She fell head first into the bushes, causing her to miss seeing the shadow that was sneakily creeping up behind one of the dancers, holding a malicious-looking wooden stake...

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**Thank you for reading *bows* we hope you found it acceptable**

**d(=_=)b --- tired me listening to music on my headphones.... -_-' please check for the next update around Friday next week! ta~**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**ATAIH: hello :) we are updating again, on time!! If we aren't careful.. this might become a habit!**

**NOOOOO**

**well Psych0tic wrote this one, and its a pretty decent length! Someone suggested to us that we put the end of the previous chapter at the beginning of the next, which actually makes sense...**

**So we did that for this chapter :D hopefully it will save you some confusion?**

**We do not own Twilight or Buffy (if we did it would be … probably really stupid and have much more blood and make much less sense… :D)**

**So anyway, please enjoy. Also, please review! *hopeful smile* **

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_****A woman in a leotard stood in the window of a school building, staring down at two high-schoolers, (who were wearing gas-masks and green-biohazard themed formal wear), dancing together. Stalking habits aside, she obviously had no idea exactly how hard it was to stand in a window, and so, fell out of the window. She fell head first into the bushes, causing her to miss seeing the shadow that was sneakily creeping up behind one of the dancers, holding a malicious-looking wooden stake...****_

The stake was slammed down, the shadow missed (miserably too, it wasn't a close miss), flailed wildly, and collapsed into a heap on the floor. "GYAAAARG" They screamed, having accidentally stabbed themselves in the gut with the stake. "THE AGONY.."

The two badly dressed dancers turned in surprise, and watched stupidly as the stakee crawled out of sight, leaving a trail of blood in their wake. Alice turned to Jasper, who was pulling of the I'm-too-emo-to-care-that-you-just-died look like the pro he was. "Who the hell was that?" Alice frowned, mutilating her previously unwrinkled face.

Jasper just shrugged in the traditional way of The Emo, and began searching for his pocket knife. "It was probably one of Emmett's multiple personalities. Did you know he recently got one thats freakishly like that Boofy girl? Apparently he then thinks he's a vampire slayer. How lame! I mean, seriously, vampires are unlikely enough, but vampire hunters? Isn't that just taking it a step too far?" Alice blinked repeatedly, having never heard Jasper say a sentence so long and unbroken in the entire time she had known him.

"Oh." She laughed, her pixie-like voice tinkling like shards of glass hitting concrete. "Well I guess he'll heal up fine on his own then. Now… Where were we?" She grinned suggestively at Jasper, who wasn't paying any attention anymore.

*******

That friggin' vampire boy Edward, constantly confusing me with his malodorous girlfriend, Smella. Man it frustrates me. Anyway, on with the story...

The days from the ball passed slowly, with me awaiting my chance to transfix the Cullens on a pointed stake. Bella's birthday passed uneventfully, without Edward even noticing. I can't quite say the same about mine...

*****Buffy's birthday*****

I awoke in the morning to the gruesome grin of my slightly drug crazed mother approximately 3cm from my face. I screamed and shoved her back, only to discover that I was imagining things and it was just my mirror. I had the most fantastic bed hair, which was the cause of me resembling my mother. I got up and performed the customary acts that happen in the morning, like eating breakfast in the shower with a toothbrush. Oh, is that not normal? My bad... Anyway, I left the house to continue on my typical morning journey, but only made it halfway to school before The Idiot, ambushed me. "Bella! It's your birthday I hear! Happy birthday!" he screamed in my face, his rancid breath smelling of the frozen chicken he had sucked the juices out of for breakfast.

Before I could knock him out and escape, The Emo One grabbed me and dragged me forcefully to their house. As I was pulled through the labyrinth of their entrance way, I noticed that unlike the average vampire's house, theirs was painted a puke-like mixture of greens, browns and yellows.

As they towed me inside, the rest of the family greeted me. "Bella!" The cacophony of voices was missing one deep rumble – Emmett. I looked up and saw Carlisle and Alice greeting me. Carlisle was wearing, for some inexplicable reason, a short hot pink cocktail dress, whilst Alice was clothed in, judging by the look of the window behind her slight form, what appeared to be a curtain.

Emo Boy released me, so I spun around to investigate any possibility of escape. What met and soiled my (mostly) innocent eyes was the sight of Eddy. Apparently, he at least had had the decency to dress up in a tux, even if he did have his underwear on the outside and the coat back to front. What really scared me was the sight of the garish makeup he had seen fit to put on (badly). Jasper just looked like his average gothic self. When I spun back, I saw Emmett, who smiled and waved, wearing normal clothes (if clothes that big can be considered normal) and holding a pile of presents. _Well, if I'm here, I may as well make us__e__ of my time, _I thought to myself. Carlisle spun around to grab the presents, causing his dress to flare up and reveal rather too much white leg. He passed them to me with a "Happy Birthday Bella", and I proceeded to open them.

I removed the tape from the first badly wrapped present, and, carefully so as not to rip it, removed the Christmas paper. This revealed a large white box. Intrigued, I opened the box to discover something worse than a human head, more disgusting than entrails. Ok, so it wasn't THAT bad, but it makes a better story that way, and thats what we're trying to achieve isn't it? Besides, its not like we over dramatize every detail! .... .... very much....

ANYWAY the actual contents of the box, was a DIY catapult. My devious mind came up with many evil uses for the weapon, but for now I opened the other gift.

It was a box of silver forks.

As soon as I saw the contents of the second box, something inside me clicked. Now all I needed were some werewolves and I could play a game... Who can outrun the flying fork... (Fuafuafua)

Once I had dealt with the remaining gifts, I turned back to Carlisle, only to be confronted by a plate of some indistinguishable meat. "We made Norwegian food for you! Its slightly burnt, but it's fine!" Carlisle cheerfully grinned at me. I backed away, furiously stalling for time.

"Ah... Where's Esme?" I asked, in a panicky tone.

"Right here!" An inhuman screech reached my ears from above. I looked up, and who did I see? Yes, it was....

Spiderman. Or more precisely, Esme in a Spiderman suit. Dropping from the ceiling. I vacated the area, where instead she landed on Jasper and propelled him towards the vampire-sized cross that as yet I hadn't noticed.

As Jasper was flying towards the religious icon, Esme got up, dusted herself off, and dropped into a crouch.

"MY SPIDER SENSES ARE TINGLING!" She screamed, and ran through an open window. Judging by her landing and the two extra elbows on her right arm, it seemed she had broken something. While that happened, Jasper landed spread-eagled on the cross as if he was being crucified. Being a vamp, Emo Boy's skin started bubbling and smoking. I dashed over to him and trapped his hands on the cross with forks, where, (admittedly with a helping hand), he burst into flames.

Just as I followed Esme out the window, I grabbed my machete from my cleavage and sliced the gas mains.

I ran into the woods and hid to watch the fun. After a very short while, the Cullen's, minus The Emo One, ran out the door and rolled around on the grass for a bit (I imagine this was done to put the flames out), just as flames burst out the windows, and smoke poured into the sky, obscuring the sun.

Feeling very satisfied, I turned and continued on my way to school.

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**thank you for reading, reviews are appreciated **


	19. Chapter 19

**ATAIH: hello! on time, again. **

**its almost like a bad habit, except its good. **

**sooo this chapter is LONGER than the other one! are you happy? or does this news displease you?**

**I have an idea, why don't you review us and tell us whether you like it or not!!**

**:)**

**so appart from people that we know, basically no one else reviews this story, so unless we get some more of a response from people, we might stop writing this story....**

**anyways, please review lol and enjoy the chapter as much as you can. **

**This chapter was written by ATAIH and Psych0tic together, and we had lots of fun writing it :) **

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**Chapter 19**

_****I ran into the woods and hid to watch the fun. After a very short while, the Cullen's, minus the emo one, ran out the door and rolled around on the grass for a bit (I imagine this was done to put the flames out), just as flames burst out the windows, and smoke poured into the sky, obscuring the sun. **_

_**Feeling very satisfied, I turned and continued on my way to school.****_

School was lame.

After such a sucky day, I knew the only way to cheer myself up was to stalk Bella. Creepy, yes, but oh so satisfying....

I stood inconspicuously at the gates, waiting for Smella to turn up. As she passed through the exit, I blended into the crowd and followed. Bella aimlessly walked around in circles for several minutes and then disappeared into the dense forest. I, being Buffy-the-vampire-slaying-ninja-slash-stalker, followed her into the depressing darkness. For what seemed like hours, (but was really only about 3 minutes), Smella wandered through the fallen tree branches, often stumbling and falling on her face, causing great damage to her already ruined brain. About 3 minutes later she stopped, having stumbled upon a strangely perfect meadow, bathed in sunlight, surrounded entirely by dead trees and animal skeletons.

She fell to her knees on the grass, drooling ever so slightly. As she crouched in the flowers, a familiar figure shuffled out of a brachiosaurus corpse. It was Eddie, carrying a bag of apples and various other edible items. He pulled a perfect apple out and threw it at the unhygienic form surrounded by a circle of brown grass. It flew through the air in a graceful arc. When it was approximately 2.851m away from Smella, it began to wither and rot into a shriveled ball. It thudded into the side of Bella's head, becoming yet another sloppy mess in her hair. I shivered. The only logical explanation I could reason for the preceding event being that it was her stench that had brought about the untimely demise of the once edible fruit.

Smella's head shot up, her bloodshot eyes catching sight of Edward in a matter of minutes. It was a record-breaking achievement for her. Seeing that he had caught her eye, Edward contorted his body into a semi-manly pose, also a record-breaking achievement on his behalf. "Oh Bella, what a coinky-dink that we should meet here, in this forest, in this glade, in the dead of this night even though the sun is still high in the sky. Did you follow me here? You sexy beast you…" Smella blinked, twice in fact (over a time frame of 40 seconds, while Edward stood there, transfixed by her equally catatonic stare), before standing slowly, and breathing deeply. Several insects dropped dead, suffocated by her fetid breath, but Edward could only stand there, having long since lost his sanity and motor functions due to inhaling too much of her scent.

"Why Edward," Smella smiled sickeningly. "Yes, I did. But for a while I had lost sight of you, as I stood staring at the ground. It was ever-so enthralling!" Eddie nodded stupidly, having regained the ability to move his neck backwards and forwards. "Here," he offered, somehow managing to move his arm and bring a curiously shaped potato out of the bag. Smella's features shaped themselves into a grotesque smile as she took it from him, the fingers of her other hand lingering on his nose, petting it gently. Suddenly, radiation emanated outwards from the places where their bodies had made contact, the result being that Eddie now sparkled in the sun. Edward gasped in agony, before realizing the advantages of having glittering skin: getting days off school when it is sunny.

Smella stuck out her tongue, licking the skin of the potato.

"Why Edward," she moaned. "It tastes just like you!" However as she adverted her gaze, the potato melted under the corrosive effect of her saliva, dissolving into mush. Forgetting that it was on her hand, Smella raised it to Edwards cheek, rubbing a thumb over his eyelid, permanently blinding him in that eye.

"OH GOD THE AGONY" squealed Edward, falling to his knees.

"Yes," gasped Smella, kneeling also. "It always hurts at first, love that is, but don't worry, I'll sooth your pain…" Edward recoiled in horror, leaping to his feet.

"I'm leaving!"

Bella fell over. "I'm going with you!"

"You can't Bella," Edward pushed her back, "where I'm going, it isn't the right place for you! You belong in a mental asylum!"

"Don't be ridiculous! You're the very best part of my otherwise shitty life!"

"Bella, I don't WANT you to come with me!"

"You… don't want me? I'll shower, I will, I promise! I'll brush my teeth twice a week! I'll even wash my hands after cleaning the toilet!"

"NO! Bella, you suck, FUCK OFF!" Bella burst into tears, pulling a large coil of rope from the ground, attempting to tie Edward with it. She almost succeeded too, but Edward made one last (successful) attempt to throw a potato in her face, and ran pathetically into the surrounding forest, clutching his ruined eye with one hand. Bella collapsed to the ground, her tears creating small, smoking craters where they landed. She lay down in the shit-covered straw, holding her hands to her heart, which was situated in the area of her spleen.

Months passed, and she simply lay there, without anyone noticing that she was actually gone. I know this, because once I had left, I came to check on her once a day, occasionally feeding her small worms. After all, she was a fellow human.

I feel it is now appropriate to show the passing of time, until Bella decided she wasn't as stupidly comatose as she seemed.

**OCTOBER**

Dear Diary: Bella still smells, but remains alive.

**NOVEMBER**

Dear Diary: Jason visited today. We had a tea party.

**DECEMBER**

Dear Diary: Christmas was shit, as usual. Mum got me a dead skunk. Road kill. Awesome.

**JANUARY **

Dear Diary: Killed Manbra, having finally tracked him down to a basement in the ruins of Bella's home. Charlie is still living off dead goats in the hovel near the lake.

**FEBRUARY **

Dear Diary: Today I went to check on Bella, and guess what? The ungrateful cow had left without even thanking me for feeding her all those worms. Man I hate her.

I was having a fantastic dream, about heart-shaped noodles, when loud yelling from the ruins next door woke me up. Seeing as I'm a naturally curious person, I opened my window and listened intently. Charlie was sitting at the ruins of their once square dinner table, glaring at Bella.

"I'm sending you home!" He was saying, and I felt a joyful thrill run through me. Finally! Something good was happening in this town!

Bella's eyes narrowed, and I saw her slip a knife from her sleeve and rush at Charlie, stabbing him in the eye. Eye juice squirted everywhere, soaking Bella's face and hissing as it made contact with her skin. Charlie dropped to the ground, utterly dead.

Bella stumbled back, dropping the knife. I processed what had just happened as fast as I could, thoughts running in an orderly fashion through my head.

1. Bella had just murdered her father.

2. Bella was gross.

3. I should probably clean my room.

4. Bella wasn't going home anymore...

Holding back my shrill scream of agonizing loss, I quickly donned my ninja outfit, slipping out my window and into the night.

Bella was still standing there like a stunned turtle, but my instincts were telling me that something was about to happen, and to ensure I saw it all, I needed to hide in that bush next to Bella. So I did.

However, once she began to grin maniacally, I started to reconsider my hasty decision. Who knew what Smella was capable of in this state?

From behind Bella (and to my left) came a throaty growl, and a young man wearing a long, black cape promptly appeared on the scene. He had pale-white skin, slicked-back black hair, and all-black clothing.

He pulled the rancid female into his arms, lifting her from the ground. For some reason, her toxic scent and bodily fluids had no effect on him, and he turned his head towards her.

"Come my love," he uttered, in a terribly cheesy Romanian accent. "Let us give you a nice, long shower, far from this place. I have great plans for you…" With that, the man (whom I had assumed to be your average burn-in-the-sunlight vampire) transformed himself and Smella into bats, flapping noisily into the night.

I sat there till morning, still in shock when Rosy (our rooster) began to crow at dawn.

WTF?

Why the face...

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	20. Chapter 20

**ATAIH: hello! this chapter was written by all three of us at the beginning, (alltheangelsinheaven, Psych0tic, and Treeman) and was finally completed by Treeman. **

**If you prefer longer chapters, then this chapter is longer than the last chapter!! (for realz)**

**But if you prefer shorter chapters such as the likes of chapter one, then this chapter only SEEMS to be longer than the last (for actualz)**

**anyways**

**we do not own any of these characters. not a single one. I don't think. *checks* nope! we don't own any of them.**

**NOTICE: after this chapter, there will only be two more! Sorry to everyone who enjoyed reading it... but.. we hope you read up until the very end! Also, if we receive maybe a few reviews from people who haven't reviewed before... we might do an alternate epilogue/ending of amusingness :D**

**go on**

**you know you want an alternate epilogue/ending**

**you know you do *grin* READ!!**

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**Chapter 20**

_****He pulled the rancid female into his arms, lifting her from the ground. For some reason, her toxic scent and bodily fluids had no effect on him, and he turned his head towards her. **_

_**"Come my love," he uttered, in a terribly cheesy Romanian accent. "Let us give you a nice, long shower, far from this place. I have great plans for you…" With that, the man (whom I had assumed to be your average burn-in-the-sunlight vampire) transformed himself and Smella into bats, flapping noisily into the night.**_

_**I sat there till morning, still in shock when Rosy (our rooster) began to crow at dawn. **_

_**WTF?**_

_**Why the face…****_

"Buffy!" My Mother's shrill voice cut through my dazed stupor, and I remembered to jump out of the way as she flew out onto the lawn, where I had previously been sitting. There was a distinct _thump_ as she sank into the ground, sending all the surrounding objects at least one meter into the air.

"Buffy, darling, look! Look what I made you for your birthday!" She held out to me a bag, which I reluctantly took. It wasn't actually my birthday, further proving my Mothers psychotic state, but I decided to look inside anyway. I regretted it so much, I actually forgot what was inside….

Anyway! I smiled at her and thanked her for remembering my special day, and threw the 'gift' into a bin the first opportunity I got. _What should I do next…_ I pondered to myself. _Should I go after Smella and kill her vampire mate, or have something to eat… Wait, why am I even bothering to ask? It's so obvious! I mean, breakfast is the most important meal of the day! _Having made up my minds in an unanimous decision, I entered the kitchen. Skipping to the refrigerator, I opened it up to find a bunch of chopped up corpses stashed inside. _Jason…._ The nutcase must have snuck them in while he was over for the tea party the other month! Pondering how I managed to ignore- I mean, miss them, I opened up the cutlery drawer, looking for a spoon to have with my vampire-slaying-ninja-slash-stalker-awesomeness cereal, when I turned around and saw a slightly transparent Emo-Vampire-thing-guy in my kitchen (who resembled the rotting Jasper corpse in my fridge), lunging towards me…

_"Boofy! Stop! Don't pick up that butter knife! You have no idea how much dried fat is on there!" _The Jasper-like apparition floated towards me, his arm raised in warning. I involved myself in the act of floccinaucinihilipilification of this character, while picking up the knife and throwing at his head. At the exact same time (with my left foot) I pulled a spade (with a sharpened edge) from my bosom, and aimed it at his groin. Both items flew true, through and beyond him, hitting the wall with a resounding crash.

_"You retard, you killed me, why the hell would that actually hit me?!"_ The Jasper-like apparition face-palmed, and floated vaguely. _Oh, it's not a zombie_. "Wait…" I said. "If you're a ghost, how did you hit yourself in the face?"

_"I can still touch myself,"_ the ghost said naively, not thinking beforehand. A grimace spread over his face, as he realised the innuendo that could apply to his statement, and face-palmed again, trying to hit his head on the wall, which, naturally, he went right through. _Thank God, he's finally gone… _Just as I thought that to myself, another ghostly apparition appeared, lounging in full stretch mode in my sink. In case you are wondering, I have really big sink.

This particular one was a grotesque representation of the Vampire-Rosalie-thing-girl, who hauled herself onto the floor, where she proceeded to twitch like a dying fish. It was a huge improvement on her previous state, really. The dead fish look suited her.

Suddenly, the Rosalie-like apparition sat up, looking around wildly. When she caught sight of me, she recoiled in disgust and horror, before realizing it was a mirror I was holding in front of my face. I put the mirror away.

She eyed me suspiciously, as I returned the favour. "Who are you?" I inquired. "Why do you resemble a hideous version of the pretty vampire I caused the untimely demise of over five months ago?"

The Rosalie-like apparition screamed in horror, her eyes widening exponentially. Jasper chose this moment to float back through the wall backwards, drinking a ghostly martini.

"_You bitch!"_ Rosalie's ghost screamed, after which she lapsed into a series of spasms, much like someone suffering from Pneu-mono-ultra-micro-scopic-silico-volcano-coniosis. (A/N i had to put those hyphens in so that the word didn't disappear when I saved this, they actually aren't meant to be there, and it is a real word :) Why does it do that? Does fanfic not like super long words or something?! ... coff anyway)

As much fun as it is to watch someone you don't like to flop on the floor like a dead fish, I didn't have time for this. My conscience was flaring up for some reason… So I'd have to do some really hard thinking to figure out who I was supposed to save this time._ "Whoa, Rosalie, that's a good look,"_ Emo-boy said, floating back through the wall.

"_Shut up!"_ she screeched, convoluting harder. _"We came here to get her to save Bella, and I find out she was the one who killed me!"_ Leaning down in her face, I snuck that mirror back in front of my face. The Rosalie-like thing swooned and fainted in front of her reflection, murmuring _"Bitch"_ to herself. Or it could have been ditch. I'll never understand vampires.

Wah! That's right! Smella! I can't believe I totally forgot about that ungrateful cow! … So… I should save her… why, exactly?

The Jasper-like apparition went to open the fridge, dragging Rosalie behind him. _"Count Blackula took her to his castle on the cliffs,"_ he said. _"You know, the ones that the werewolf boys like to fool around on? How's this - we'll make a deal: kill him and save her, and I'll help you take out the other Cullens."_

"_What?! You want me to kill your family?! I'm okay with that, but why in the world would you want to release Smella back on the world?!"_ I exploded. This lack of common sense confused me more than the fact that a ghost opened my fridge, but I put the latter bit down to hallucinations. Or the reality-bending effects of the utter stupidity of his following statement. That could work too, you know. _"Hey,"_ he said. _"I'm dead, what do I care? And besides, about the whole family thing? What can I say, misery loves company."_

As the sun set I approached Count Blackobula – Ah, I mean Blackula's castle on the cliffs. The git actually had the gall to hide so close?! … Not that I mind… going to a desert or Transylvania would've been one giant pain in the ass… The sea slammed against the cliffs as I approached the front door, sending spray up and over the drawbridge. Oh… So that's how the moat stays full… Since the bridge was conveniently up, I whipped out a grappling hook from my cleavage (which was starting to remind me of that bag the Poppins woman carried around) and threw it over the top of the walls. Swinging over the moat reminded me of my high school athletics days… Which, incidentally, are next week. Speaking of school, I haven't been in a while… Anyway. Climbing. I pulled myself over the top of the walls, and was confronted by a strange apparition – a creature that looked like Smella, except that it was giving off a deceptively fruity scent….

"Fwa ha ha ha ha!" Came the masculine tones of an American-bred vampire. "So… Yoo hav fallen directly into my trap, Boofy ze Vampire Slayer!" I whipped around to see a black-clad figure jumping down from the black tower, which is quite difficult to see in the night. "Jason?!" I gasped. "No! I am… Jakobula Blackula, in all of my glory, Boofy…. And tonight.. You vill join Zmella and become mine to take back to Tranzylvania… Look! I even gave ze ztinking American girl a baff!" he drawled in his true-bred American accent, tearing his cape off to reveal he wasn't wearing a shirt. Abs that hadn't been there the last time I saw him looked as if they were painted onto his stomach, but I'm sure that's just the poor lighting. I had more important matters to deal with. "You… Gave her a bath? Sm – I mean, Bella? You actually managed to get close enough?!" I gasped.

"Myes, I made her zmell nice enuff for me to take her back to ze homeland! Fwa ha ha ha ha! Zere is no ztopping ze were-vampire zis time!" Jakobula twirled around in happiness, falling into a pool filled with chocolate in his euphoria. While he drowned in deliciousness, I dashed in and grabbed Smella, finding out for myself that I really could get near her without gagging. Racing back up the walls, I took one last jealous look at both the pool of chocolate and the buff Jakobula, only to see that he had crawled out and those abs of his had started running. They were painted after all! That bastard… Leaving the grappling hook where it was, I threw Smella down into the moat and jumped after her. As we fell, I tossed Jason's latest invention back into the castle grounds. After we spluttered out of the stagnant salt water, I ran like hell, half-hoping the other girl wouldn't follow me.

**Thoom!**

The castle crumpled and fell into the water below as the ground underneath it gave way. Whoa… Jason made a bomb? Well, after beating death a bazillion times I guess he's allowed to move into 21-century terrorism like the rest of us… I was snapped out of my thoughts by something licking my elbow. Smella was licking chocolate off it. … Thank god Edmond isn't here to see this… Knowing how he thinks us two are the same person, he might get excited…

"Bella! Are you okay?!"

Aw, shit.

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**reviews are love *makes lame heart shape with hands***


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

_****The castle crumpled and fell into the water below as the ground underneath it gave way. Whoa… Jason made a bomb? Well, after beating death a bazillion times I guess he's allowed to move into 21-century terrorism like the rest of us… I was snapped out of my thoughts by something licking my elbow. Smella was licking chocolate off it. … Thank god Edmond isn't here to see this… Knowing how he thinks us two are the same person, he might get excited…**_

"_**Bella! Are you okay?!"**_

_**Aw, shit.****_

Of course, technically I couldn't call her Smella anymore, seeing as she smelt like a normal person who had just been bathed in blood- ah, I mean, berry sauce. Tasty berry sauce. Edmond/Edward/Retard ran up to us, and get this- ran straight past me to Bella.

"Bella! I was so worried! I totally forgive you for everything, including permanently blinding me in one eye!" He enveloped Bella in a sickeningly sweet hug, while I stood to the side, dripping pathetically.

I winced as I heard her struggling for air in Edtards arms. Finally, he released her, and she fell to the ground at his now chocolate covered feet. Seeing how tasty they appeared, Bella began to lick the chocolate from the smelly and unhygienic toes. Why wasn't he wearing shoes?!

Never-the-less, I breathed a sigh of relief. At least Bella wasn't totally normal now. That would be like pigs flying!

At that moment, a pig flew overhead, flapping its puny bat wings furiously. Before Bella or Edward could see this, I threw a kunai at it, causing it to fall out of the sky in a smoking arc. I didn't want them to get any hope/ideas….

While this was happening, a figure emerged from the pall of smoke surrounding the wreckage of the Count's castle. It couldn't be… Oh wait, it wasn't Jason. Just Count Blackula. What a letdown. Although the smoke-streaked half-naked were-bat with saber-teeth protruding from his mouth was quite an interesting sight. Not an everyday occurrence, I can tell you.

When Jakobula reached our position, where Eddy was writhing on the ground in silent laughter as Bella licked his feet, he tore Edward out of the way, punched him in the jaw, and seized Bella.

He pressed up to her less-than-abundant-bosom, and growled in her face. "Bella, my lurve, how DARE you lick ze feet of a lower creature than I, your beloved Count Blackula!!" Bella stared blankly into his face, then giggled madly.

"The only woman for me is Edward, you silly! I'm a total lesbian!!" An awkward silence followed this statement; Jakobula stared dumbfounded into her face, I stopped trying to wipe my chocolate covered hands on the tree just so I could do the awkward turtle, and Edward lay unconscious on the ground, obviously greatly disturbed that Bella perceived him as a woman. Bella simply frowned in confusion.

"Whats wrong? We can still be friends can't we? Just because I'm having my baby with Edward doesn't mean you can't fall in love with it!" Jakobula abruptly dropped Bella, who had until that moment been hanging from his grip about four metres above the ground. I blinked in surprise as I tried to figure out when they got that high. Oh, that's right, it was when Jakobula started levitating in his righteous anger.

Of course, it was at this time that the moment just had to be interrupted by a random running away from the burning castle screaming and being hit by a car which then sped off a cliff and disappeared into the water below with the drivers head outside the window screaming "Woohoo!!!"

As we all stared blankly at the foamy waters where there was no longer a car, (or a driver), I came to my unlimited senses. This was the perfect opportunity! I pulled from my cleavage (within which I hid my unlimited arsenal) a broom stick. What the FUCK?! I thought to myself, throwing it to the side and reaching once more into my cleavage, this time pulling forth a blow-up-Edward-doll (that looked suspiciously like Michael Jackson) I had found on Ebay (don't ask, I don't know either). I tied it to a conveniently large stick with a convenient length of string that I had also found on Ebay for 12cents and an overly ripe tomato.

I then proceeded to hang the Edward-like lump of air and plastic in front of Bella's beaky nose. She instantly took the bait, launching towards it with an uncanny speed, much like that of a vicious snake striking towards its prey.

I threw the bait as far as my vampire-slaying-strength would allow, (1234 metres at my last count), and Bella flew after it on wings of adoration. Now that she was out of the equation, I didn't have to worry about accidentally killing her (which wouldn't really be such a tragedy now that I think about it, but it would be terrible for my T.V. ratings).

I drew my D.I.Y. catapult from my cleavage-arsenal, and assembled it quickly and efficiently. I grabbed a bucket of silver forks, poured them into the catapult, aimed it in the general direction of Count Lame-ula and his painted abs, and let it fire. They flew true, eight of them striking his groin, the other twelve embedding themselves in his face. Blood poured from his minor wounds, orange and green, dripping messily down his torn clothing.

"GYAAAAAARRRGGGHH..." Blackula screamed in horrific agony, before realizing that there was actually no pain at all, dying anyway for the heck of it. He melted into a puddle of orangey-green goo.

Chuckling evilly to myself, I found a conveniently placed bag of garlic anointed stakes, loaded them into the catapult, and aimed them at the pitiful vampire kneeling in shock on the ground (but still laughing for some reason). I did not hesitate. "FIRE!!" I screamed, "YEAH, DIE BITCH!!"

And then the great and mighty Buffy slayed Edtard, the end.

Okay, I wish that was true, but there is still at least another chapter to go, so unfortunately before I could do my victory dance, Carlisle leaped forth from a moving cranberry bush I had failed to notice and jumped in front of my flying stakes-of-death, protecting Edward from becoming impaled. As he fell to the ground, he let out a delayed war cry, "OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO" and collapsed into a heap of blood on the ground.

"FATHER!!" screeched Edward, grasping Carlisle's hand. "NOOOOOO!"

Carlisle, who was beyond being able to hear Edwards high-pitched squeal, moaned in pain. "Edward," He gasped, "I must confess something, now, at this moment, right now, before I die, there is no time to lose, I can already feel myself slipping away, my ovaries shriveling, my face becoming less-than-perfect, I honestly must tell you now, not later, at this exact point in time, RIGHT THIS SECOND!! %$^!%*&#$$$^%&&)()*&(#&^. The truth is, I am madly in love with Esme, my wife… Also, I have committed many sins that I must now confess to.

"When I was 10, before I became a vampire, I was ugly. Its true. And look at my now shriveling body! Still a sexy beast, no? Also, last week I used your tooth brush, to clean the toilet, and I didn't clean it afterwards. Oops. I know I should have told you, but I was more concerned about the fact that I had hidden rabid squirrels in your bed, as an attempt to compensate for my small penis…

"Yes, I'm sorry, my penis is smaller than even yours Edward, impossible though it seems. It really is quite cute~ But anyways. That time when I made you a birthday cake? It was made with dead rats, not love. I lied. Rats are tastier than love, and I was shocked that you were stupid enough to believe me. Love tastes kinda like peas to be honest, its gross, I hate peas.

"On that note, Edward!" Carlisle gasped for air. "I… Am… Your… Uncle… Your true father was………………………………………………………………. Rosalie.." With that shocking revelation, Carlisle chose that moment to die unspectacularly. He then exploded, showering Edward and I with the contents of his stomach.

I was still a little dumbfounded, worrying about the implications of Rosalie fathering a child as hideous as Edworm, before deciding that now would be a good time to run away before Edward started bawling. I just knew that the high pitched whine would pierce my eardrums like a hot knife through wet paper.

Thats the right saying, isn't it? Oh well. It'll do. We're nearly at the end of the chapter anyways, so no-one will notice unless I mention it which I just did.

Hmm. (I lost the game Tree-Man! MWAHAHAHA).

You know, as I ran away, I pondered the fact that we needed another 100 words to finish this chapter. How did I know I was in a story anyway?! This is so screwed -_-' Maybe I was high again…

And thats when I saw it! The flying carp fish...

Oh! No! Wait, it was a giggling vampire! But who?

Oh no…

Oh please no...

It was...

DRACULA!!

hahaha, no, kidding, it was just Esme.


	22. Chapter 22 extra

**Greetings! Well, after writing chapter 21, we decided/realised that writing the last chapter so quickly would just be plain boring and require simply too much effort, and so we had mini 'interviews' with each of the deceased characters. I hope we didn't miss anyone out... **

**Oh well lol**

**Please enjoy!! :D**

**No really. **

**Enjoy. **

**Ps. We don't any of the characters :3 except ATAIH and Tree-Man (obviously)**

* * *

***THE INTERVIEW ROOM* *NO SMOKING PLEASE***

**Carlisle: ***poofs into existence*

**Tree-Man: **So… How does it feel to be dead?

**Carlisle: **Dead? HAHAHAHAHAHAHhahaha… At last! My plan is almost complete!!

**ATAIH: **Plan? … You're DEAD… D-E-A-D

**Carlisle: **My beauty- AH! I mean, my DEATH is only the beginning… fufufu o.O

**Tree-Man: **… Yes, it WAS a beautiful scene… By the way, your face is scarred.

**Carlisle: **Wha?! o.o *grabs mirror*

**ATAIH: **And its been decided that you will never look young young ever again! Hard luck.

**Carlisle: **WHEN?!

**ATAIH: **Hehehe… Just then!

**Carlisle: ** GYAAAAAAAAAAH *poof*

**ATAIH: **Oh shit, I inadvertently caused his secondary death! That wasn't meant to happen so soon… Oh well! Hahaha moving on! *gestures with hand*

**Tree-Man: **Oh, should we give him wrinkles too?

**Carlisle: ***distant scream*

**Tree-Man: **Who's next? Why don't we invite… James! Wait, who? I mean ManBra!

**ManBra: **WHAS UP BRO'S! HEY, WHERE'S THAT BOOFY CHICK?

**ATAIH: **Dead.

**ManBra: **WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?! BRO!!

**ATAIH: **Hahaha, okay I'm just having you on. You're dead.

**ManBra: **HAHA NOT FALLING FOR IT THIS TIME YO!! NOW. WHERE THE BRO AM I?

**Tree-Man: **The interview room.

**ManBra: **Ooh.. DO I GET THE JOB?!

**ATAIH: **We're currently reviewing your c.v. Mr Bra. Can you explain to us how you would be contributing to our work force, in the event that we do we hire you?

**ManBra: **OH… AH- I CAN SHOUT AND STUFF!

**Tree-Man: ***snicker* you could model bra's?

**ManBra: **WHOO! I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A SUPERMODEL!

**ATAIH: **Well, we'll have to discuss this…

**[ATAIH/Tree-Man: ***whisper whisper MAN whisper whisper BRA whisper***]**

**ATAIH: **Okay, we've thought it over, and I'm sorry, you just don't fit the bra's well enough.

**Tree-Man: **Now go away, we're very busy people. Lots of people to interview you know.

**ManBra: ***runs off crying*

**Tree-Man: **Well, we seem to have a knack for making people do that… Who's next?

**ATAIH: **I'll check. *checks* Oh no… Its that bloody were-bat again!

**Jakobula: ***poofs into existence* *is naked and covered in chocolate and painted-on abs*

**Tree-Man: **Oh god! Put some clothes on, for goodness sake! This is a kids show!

**ATAIH: **It isn't a show at all! Oh- ah… I mean yes… Its a show… And Jakobula, you're the star!!

**Jakobula: **I am? Zis is all so ztrange…

**Tree-Man: **Yes, and in order to win 12 gazillion dollars, you have to put some pants on. Right. Now.

**Jakobula: ***puts pants on* Doez zat meant I vin?

**ATAIH: **Yeah you wish! You don't DESERVE 12 gazillion dollars!!

Plus we don't have any money. We're dirt poor. Tree-Man, how cruel you are to falsely promise money that doesn't exist…

**Tree-Man: **Yeah, what do I look like, a freaking money tree?! Hehehe…

**Jakobula: **Aaw… And to zink I vase going to uze see money to rebuild my base…

**ATAIH: **A base for little orphans?

**Jakobula: **Of Courze!

**ATAIH: **HOW COULD YOU?! We don't want you anymore. Shame on you for doing something so humane, filthy were-bat…

**Tree-Man: **How do you sleep at night?

**Jakobula: **I am a vampyre. I don't.

**Tree-Man: **You're a figment of our imagination! You sleep when we tell you too!

**Jakobula: ***falls asleep*

**ATAIH: **Hahaha, I made him sleep. Bring out the next one!!

**Rosalie: ***POOF* What's with the gross hobo?

**Tree-Man: **This is a park, we all sleep here.

**ATAIH: **Yea, it's totally obvious. What are you, blonde?!

**Rosalie: **You're blonde too!!

**ATAIH: **Anyways, feel free to sleep here, you'll fit right in!

**Tree-Man: **A little room of misfits! You're included, by the way… hobo-buddy…

**Rosalie: **Then fetch me a bed. And a king sized pool. If I'm to sleep here I want to be treated like a person of my calibre should be. Also, I thought you said this was a park?

**Tree-Man: **…Yes, that's what I said. This is a park. Were you not listening? Or do you have to concentrate? This…is…a…park…

**Rosalie: **I still want a bed. And the pool.

**ManBra: **Hello, I'm here for the dirty-old-bra-wearing-hobo position interview?

**ATAIH: **Oi, piss off! Again!!

**ManBra: **Oh… it's you… *runs away crying*

**ATAIH: **Hehehe… Oh, oi! Tree-Man! Stop stealing my cardboard box!

**Tree-Man: **Damn!! I need a box without a hole in it though…

**Rosalie: **Um… hello? Slaves? Still here?

**Tree-Man: **Geez... What did your last slaves die of?

**Rosalie: **Pneumono-ultra-microscopic-silico-volcano-coniosis. Without the hyphens.

**ATAIH: **Lies! You threw them out a window!

**Rosalie: **A window? Oh yeah… Well I thought they would fly…

**ATAIH: **Tell them what you yelled when you chucked them out. Go on, tell them.

**Rosalie: **…Fly, my pretties, fly…

**Tree-Man: ***Chucks water at Rosalie*

**Rosalie: **NOOO! I'm MELTING!!! *Melts*

**ATAIH: **Where did she go? Oh well? o.o

*Jasper shaped poof*

**Jasper: **…Oh. A hobo park. Cutting myself in the bathroom is way more fun…

**Tree-Man: ** Do you want to find the cutlery section? This is a department store, you know.

**ATAIH: **Yo, Jaspie! Clean up in aisle three! What do you think you're doing lazing around?! Get to work! *mutter mutter* What the hell are we paying you for...

**Jasper: **You don't pay me at all.

**Tree-Man: **And that WON'T CHANGE unless you get to work! How am I meant to take the piss out of you people if I can't think?!

**ATAIH: **You can't think? Oh well, it's not like it's anything new… No wait - STOP HITTING ME!! Ouch…

**Jasper: **I found the knife section! *Looks excited*

**Tree-Man: **Bwahahaha! Use them on her, Jaso – ah, wait, not Jason. Jasper… never mind. Just go find a quiet corner. *bummed*

**Jasper: **Ok… I'm gonna lurk and look tragic and stuff.

**ATAIH: ***Glares at Tree-Man* Wait, *replaces knife set with a mop* There's an emo corner in aisle three. Shoo! Shoo shoo!

**Tree-Man: **Hey, since we got here, this room has changed into a an interview room, a TV set, a Hobo-Park and department store! I have no idea where I am. Please rescue me…

**Charlie: ***walks in* Yes, I'd like you to help me find the section with the pitchforks- HEY! You're that… That… That Edward kid!

**ATAIH: **WHAT?! Where? *looks around wildly* He isn't allowed to be here… Oh hey! I think he means you Tree-Man… *snicker*

**Tree-Man: **…Uh oh.

**Charlie: **You bastard! *grabs pitchfork* Stay away from my so- ah... daughter!

**ATAIH: **I'll be over there, under that couch… *hides*

**Tree-Man: **I'm… Just going to make like a tree. Sprout roots and limbs until he decides to go away…

**Charlie: **Where did that Edwart go?! And when did this tree get here? o.O

**ATAIH: ***still hiding*

**Tree-Man: ***rustle rustle*

**[TRANSLATION **go away, crazy madman… JASON!!**]**

**Jason: **…

**[TRANSLATION** Look, this is the last time I am helping you people. Next time, I'll just kill you all.**]**

**Charlie: **Ah HUH! Edmund! I found you! *brandishes pitchfork*

**Jason: **…

**[TRANSLATION **Oh. Another person who wants to kill me. Awesome! I must be doing my job right I guess.**]**

**[Jason's job: Killing people]**

**ATAIH: ***still hiding*

**Charlie: **Blargayargahonkablarg! [battle cry -_-'] *charges forward*

**[EPIC BATTLE SCENE ENSUES;**

**Charlie jumps forward, Jason sidesteps and Charlie hits the ground hard, rolling a few times before hitting the wall, getting up, and flying at Jason again. **

**Jason sidesteps again, Charlie hits a wall, rebounds upwards, hits the chandelier, bringing it down on top of himself, subsequently being crushed beneath it, and dying via ocular penetration. (A piece of glass went into, through, and far beyond his eye).**

**EPIC BATTLE SCENE ENDS]**

**Jason: **….. … . .. … …. … .. … .. .. .. .

**[TRANSLATION **Well, fuck**]**

**Tree-Man: **Oh no! That chandelier was connected to the power supply! The room is going to jump between scenes randomly! Quick, ATAIH! Upload this chapter to before we end up on the MOON!! HURR-

**[BEEEP**

**BEEEP**

**BEEEP**

**BEEEP**

**BEEEP**

**BEEEP**

**BEEEP**

**BEEEP**

**BEEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-P] Flatline?!**

* * *

**Thank-you for reading this extra chapter of 'And then Buffy killed Edward the End'. **

**Please review. It saves lives. :3**


	23. Chapter 'And Fade to Black'

_****You know, as I ran away, I pondered the fact that we needed another 100 words to finish this chapter. How did I know I was in a story anyway?! This is so screwed -_-' Maybe I was high again… **_

_**And thats when I saw it! The flying carp fish...**_

_**Oh! No! Wait, it was a giggling vampire! But who? **_

_**Oh no…**_

_**Oh please no...**_

_**It was...**_

_**DRACULA!!**_

_**hahaha, no, kidding, it was just Esme. ****_

* * *

**Hello everyone! Sorry for updating so late, we have been experiencing technical difficulties. (Its hard to get wireless internet on the moon).**

**You may be wondering why we were on the moon! Hahaha, well so are we.**

**This chapter is dedicated to Biscuit07238**

**we appreciate your review, and thank you for reading 3 whole chapters!! **

**:D**

**as such, we have adapted our writing in an effort to appeal more to your tastes. **

**please enjoy~ (even though I doubt you'll ever read this...)**

* * *

Edward was weeping next to his Uncle, Carlisle, who lay cold and dead upon the ground. "Father," he sobbed. "I never really knew you as I wanted to..." His heartfelt cries shot like arrows into my heart. How could I not have thought of these repercussions? I never even considered how any of them would feel, was I really that cold hearted? I slowed my running to a stop, and turned to face Esme, who was still running after me.

No.

There was no time for indecision. I had to do this, for the good of humanity. I pulled a spare stake from the clasp on my thigh, and stabbed Esme through the heart. As she collapsed, I embraced her, and lowered her gently to the ground. "I'm sorry.." I whispered. "But you had no place in this world." Esme gasped in pain, as her body dissolved into ash, and was blown away by a gentle breeze. Now.

I stood up, and turned to face Edward. He was a worthy foe, and I would regret ending his abnormally long life-span, almost as much as I regretted not having had breakfast that very morning. Not at all.

I stepped forward, picked up my stake, and advanced on Edward, intent on my prey. He was still bowed over Carlisle's body, tears flowing down his pale, glittering face.

I raised the stake above my head, and brought down the punishing blow. Out of nowhere burst Bella, jumping in front of my stab.

"Nooo!" She screamed, abruptly cut off by the stake slamming into her throat. Blood spurted everywhere, coating Edward and me in thick, red, life-blood.

"No!" I gasped, stepping back, slipping in the warm, pooling blood. "Why?! He's a vampire! Why would you die for him?!"

Bella smiled softly. "I-" Blood leaked from the corner of her mouth. "I always loved him.." And then she was dead, lying in a lake of her own plasma.

No! I clasped my head in gore-covered hands. Why was this happening?! Was I a murderer now?! No, I told myself firmly. She wasn't innocent. She was one with the vampires. One of _them_...

Edward tore his gaze from Carlisle's corpse, as it turned into dust in the wind, and saw Bella. His eyes widened, as he took in the horrifying scene behind him. "B-Bella.." He stumbled over to her, and lifted her into his arms, her throat still spurting small amounts of blood over his clothes. "No! Bella! I can't, I can't live without you! Oh god, Bella, Bella no, please, Bella!" He spun towards me, and screamed in anger, bits of spittle and tears mingling, flying towards me with the force of his cry.

"Kill me!" He stood up, and flung his arms wide. "Kill me you bitch! I'll fucking kill you if you don't kill me first! DO IT!!" I stiffened my resolve, and hefted the stake once more in my hand. I would. I would finish this now, with the final blow.

"No!" Someone to my left cried, and flew into me, knocking me to the ground. It was Alice, beating at me furiously with her small fists. The force was like being pelted by so many large rocks, bruising my skin upon contact. "Don't touch him, you stupid cow! You'll pay for what you did to my Jasper, you'll pay! I'll kill you myself! I'll rip you limb from limb!" In a wild attempt to prevent her tearing me to pieces, I struck out with my stake, the point of it catching her ear and carving a deep fissure in her cheek. She jumped backwards, and I fumbled around for a more useful weapon. My stake was dull now, the point of it stubbed by the bones it had crashed into.

I found somewhere to my side a cleaver, and I hefted it in my grip, my hand slippery with blood and gore. I threw it at Alice, and it stuck fast in her forehead. I wrenched it free, and brain matter mixed with the blood running freely down her face, as she collapsed silently to the messy ground. Her pale skin contrasted that of the blood tainted grass, making her seem like an angel of death, sleeping on the field of war, before she crumbled into grey dust.

Edward was kneeling by Bella again, nothing seemed to be getting through to him, he hadn't even noticed his own sister being slaughtered. I gritted my teeth, and stepped forward, but suddenly a force knocked me to my knees.

"Oh no you don't," A firm voice sounded behind me. "Not this time." An arm wrapped around my middle section, another grabbing the arm I held my cleaver in. The block-like fingers squeezed, its iron grip impossible to break. I screamed in pain, as his grip inexorably tightened, and we both heard a loud snap, as my bones cracked into pieces. My arm fell to my side, useless, the cleaver falling from my grasp. I lashed out with my foot, catching him in the groin. He staggered backwards, tripping on some fallen rubble. I picked up the knife in my other hand, and dashed forwards to stab him in the face, the chest, the groin, his shoulder. Uncontrollable in my rage, blinded by a red mist, I stabbed him again, and again, and again, tears running down my face every time I jolted my arm.

"Stop," I forced out. "Stop Buffy." I gasped in deep lungfuls of air, and crawled away from Emmett's sprawling body. "He's dead." He'd been dead long before I stopped stabbing him. My rage had filled me so completely, it was as though I had become a monster. Emmett joined his family, and turned into dust. After this, there could be no more. Edward would be the last. Edward must die.

Edward... I glanced in his direction. I wasn't sure I could actually make to him in this condition, but I knew that I had to do it somehow. Somehow, Edward Cullen must die.

**OKAY!! stop- pajama time! -party ensues...- **

**now now, THIS is why we don't write this story seriously. It ends up as one looooong blood/gore fest, and its not all that funny. **

**Seriously.**

**SOOO we are SOOO bored with writing this way (as we find it quite hard to be serious) that we have decided to finish it, in a completely non-serious manner. **

**:D**

So..... How many sorry mommy's boys are left to kill now? Oh, damn, there's only one.

Edward... You will die a long, painful death. Which isn't unusual for this story...

I gasped dramatically, and pointed loudly at something behind Edward.

"Oh, no you don't! I'm not falling for it this time," Edward yelled, grinning madly, his eyes mismatched in his fury, one a bright, glowing, mako blue, and the other a mixture of striped orange and green. Both glowed like torches, headlights into the suddenly dark night.

When did it get to be night-time?

"No seriously, behind you!" Edward ignored me, and laughed maniacally. Suddenly Bella - who I'd noticed a while ago, but forgot to mention - grabbed his right shoulder and bit violently into his jugular. Nothing happened.

"Augh, fuck! Zombie!" Edward screamed like a little girl, a high-pitched, long and drawn out cry of injustice that ended after Bella, finally getting sick of masticating on his dirt-flavoured neck, hit him in the back of the face. Edward squealed quietly and died just as quietly as the rest of his family, in the dust.

_... Wow. What an anticlimax_, I thought, just watching Bella rolling in the dust where she belongs, eating dead bugs that had fallen out of Edward's hair when he died.

* * *

**Epilogue:**

**And so, Buffy (having killed Edward, because obviously Bella couldn't dispute this fact) had a stroke, rid the world of the impending zombie virus and lost the ability to move. She lay in that exact position for four months, with no food, no water, living solely off her own tongue, dissolved by her own saliva, waiting for someone, anyone to help her.**

**No one came.**

**Buffy died.**

**The end.**

**R.I.P. Buffy Vivaldi-Four-Seasons**

**1903-1867**

**Loving Daughter,**

**Vicious Killer,**

**Mass Murderer/Psychopath.**

**She will be missed. (By no one).**

***side-note* Everyone else in Buffy's life (her Mum, her abandoned ex-boyfriend Angel, uhm... other people....) lived happily ever after (except Angel, who was depressed at being dumped) and moved to the town of Spoons in her memory, which was then destroyed by a stray nuclear bomb. (Damn you George Bush...) The irradiated land then somehow mutated to form a cutlery draw in the middle of the United States. *end side-note***

**Teh End. **

* * *

:D

**reviews are appreciated! (please also wait and check for the extra chapter that we will be adding... hehehe)**

**(please)**

**(seriously)**

**(no, we mean it!)**

**(It'll be the most random yet!)**

**(I mean... And.. violent... of course...)**

**(:D)**

**bye now~**


	24. Extra Chapter part 1

**ATAIH here~ welcome to the wonderful world of Random.**

**So, for those who didn't know, I replaced the last 'notice' with a chapter, so if you haven't read chapter 23, which is the FINAL chapter, then that is where you will find it.**

**This is an EXTRA chapter :D**

_I will warn you now: this chapter is extremely **RANDOM** the characters act nothing like they should, therefore it is **extremely OOC**. This chapter has **ABSOLUTELY NOTHING** to do with the previous chapters, other than some of the characters. Edward and the other vampires** DO NOT **have a main part in this chapter. This chapter, in case you hadn't realised, may make **VERY LITTLE SENSE** to pretty much **ALL OF YOU**, so if you don't like things not-making-sense then **PLEASE** do not read this. _

**In this chapter, we went slightly (totally) insane, and made fun of:**

_-Greek Gods_

_-Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief_

_-Alice in Wonderland_

_-Gackt and Hyde and subsequently Kei and Sho who are characters played by Gackt and Hyde in a movie called MoonChild. Yes. They are japanese, and thus is the movie. Mostly. _

_-Spongebob (kinda, they sing a song from spongebob)_

_-oh, and Thor and Loki feature very briefly as well. _

**OH YEAH **

**this chapter was too big for us to write all of it at once, so we split it into three parts. **

**zomg...**

**I've made this note way way way too long**

* * *

**PART 1**

* * *

My name is Buffy Summers. Quite suddenly (over a period of three months) I died.

This is my extra chapter.

My ghost, not having fulfilled my full duty (getting married to a decent man) was wandering innocently through my garden, watching all the pretty flowers be destroyed by the nuclear explosion. I jumped up and down, clapping my hands, and giggling madly. I ate a pie. Suddenly I came across a small hole in the ground. It was really, quite minuscule, but because I was a ghost, I fit through it quite nicely. I fell down the crazily deep hole, bookshelves and other random things lining its sides, (among which was a cream-pie). I landed with a soft, bone-crunching **THUMP** on the ground. Looking around, I noticed a large, orange sign post, shaped like a banana, on which the words 'Welcome to Vegas' had been crossed out, and replaced with 'Welcome to Blunderland'.

I floated past a sign before realizing that I was walking normally, and was no longer a ghost.

"NOOOOOO!" I cried, having become terribly depressed. Now I knew how Jasper felt.

Like a cream-pie.

I came across a campfire in the middle of a graveyard. To keep the fire going, a group of fairies were feeding coffin wood and body pieces onto it. I approached them, (having nothing else to do) and discovered that they were all naked, and dancing around the fire. Why I had not noticed it earlier, we will never know.

"Excuse me," I began, standing at a safe distance. Suddenly, one of the fairies, who was wearing a wig, a bra and not much else, (but who did seem quite manly, therefore I nicknamed him 'ManBra'), burst out into a loud and aggravating song.

"LETS GATHER ROUND THE CAMPFIRE AND SING OUR CAMPFIRE SONG (BRO)! THE C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G SONG! AND IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT WE CAN SING IT FASTER THEN YOU'RE WRONG (BRAH) BUT IT'D HELP IF~ YOU'D JUST SING ALONG……… BUM BUM BUM…

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G SONG! _C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G SONG! __C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G SONG!__" _

I backed away slowly at an incredible speed, and fell over a tombstone, and landed on my back. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that on the tombstone were inscribed words 'Stephanie Meyer; Winner of the Most Loved and Most Hated Award in the Twilight section of the Oscars. Why it had its own section, we will never know, but thank God it's Friday ah, I mean over.'

_Twilight_… I thought to myself, while breathing through my nose loudly. _Why does that sound so familiar? Like, a dark shadow creeping over the land, consuming souls and stuff. That's the impression I get from it. Hmm…_

A sudden gunshot rang out to my left, which of course, in Blunderland, was really directly three-feet beneath me, two feet from my right elbow in four directions, and two hands above my left foot. It makes total sense really, when you think about it.

On second thoughts, don't, it hurts your head.

One of the two people who I suddenly found very close by, who was wearing a red sleeveless top, yelled to the other, less interesting character, who had long, braided hair.

"Oi! 私は殺すことを来た! Shoは停止したり、停止する!" Sadly my japanese-to-english translator wasn't working, (dammit! I just had this thing upgraded!) so I had no clue what he was saying, but the fact that they were pointing guns at each other made me think it wasn't so good. He probably said something like 'Oi! I've come to kill you! Die Sho, die!'

I assumed that the braid-man's name was Sho. Therefore, it was obvious (to me) that the other's name must be Kei. Because it just makes sense.

"HEY! THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO SAY, BRO!" ManBra came over, waving his hands and standing in between the new pair. He was wearing a new bra. I assumed that this was because he had been standing too close to the fire with the old one (kids- don't try that at home. Doing so would probably earn you the name of _that-idiot-who-actually-tried-to-do-something-they-found-on-the-internet, _and we don't want that.) The other fairies, who looked suspiciously like the vampires from the book Twilight (that I had totally never read before), advanced speedily on Kei and Sho, who were shooting at each other and getting covered in blood (Manbra's blood, since he was now lying on the ground between them, quite dead). The fairies launched themselves at Kei and Sho, and began to eat them, tearing them limb from limb, and even going so far as to lick the blood from the ground. Which was gross. Five second rule, guys. And thus, Kei and Sho, from the movie 'Moonchild', died and were sent to Tartarus for all eternity. Unfortunately for the fairies, the paradox of killing someone who can't be killed (as Kei and Sho are immortal vampires), killed them as well. **(A/N We made up that paradox right then, because with fanfic fizix we are awesome.)**

Sho, while in Tartarus for five minutes or so, (and after he and Kei put their pants back on) became incredibly bored, and decided to participate in a magic blood ritual to escape. He shot Kei (who can't die anyway) with a nonexistent gun, and therefore escaped Tartarus, and was reborn into the world as a werekitten.

I was so bored by that point, (after watching two random japanese j-pop weirdos die, and one be reborn as an adorable kitten), that I decided to climb Mount Olympus, which had suddenly appeared beside the graveyard I was still lying in, to see what the gods were doing. When I was halfway up the side, I heard a thunderous argument, that went something like this:

"Poseidon you bitch! You totally messed up my hair!"

"I so didn't Zeus, you're like, such a cow."

"Oh you are so full of shit! You stole my hairdryer, admit it! That lightning powered hairdryer cost me like, 50 humans!"

"PFFFFT whatEVER! 50 humans is nothing! I once managed to convince the Greeklings to sacrifice Pompeii by using C4 to cause the volcano to erupt prematurely. Did you know a volcanic eruption can look like an avalanche?"

"Actually no, I didn't I MEAN don't change the subject!"

"FINE! I'm LEAVING!"

"FINE!"

"Bitch."

"Cow."

"Homo."

"Retard."

"Oh.. Too far Zeus. Too far."

And with that, Poseidon came running round the mountain, singing some crappy Western children's song about a woman coming around a mountain, while blowdrying his hair with a lightning powered hairdryer. I hid in a cave to avoid being seen, while he started blow drying humans to death.

"Hehehe!" He was giggling madly, "It was mine to start with bitch!"

From behind me sprung a young boy, who's name was Percy Jackson (he was wearing a supermarket name-tag). "Hey, you haven't seen some mad God wielding a lightning bolt and randomly killing people have you?"

"Sure," I nodded wisely. "Down there with the hairdryer."

"Wha??" Percy blinked slowly, waiting for his brain to catch up. "Oh, right, coz Gods are like, major pick-up artists right? I guess thats why you're hiding in here. Well, I'll be off then!"

"Okay," I waved, peeking my head out of the cave to watch the small teenager go yell at a seriously ticked-off god. The God, being as he was crazy and all, accidentally killed the boy with a stray lightning bolt that had fallen from the hairdryer.

"NOO!!" Screamed Poseidon, picking up the remains of the body. "MY PRECIOUS SON THAT I LOVED DESPITE BARELY EVER SEEING HIM, LIKE, EVER!"

In his grief, Poseidon fried his foot with the stolen hairdryer, because there was no point trying to kill yourself if it wasn't going to work, like when you're a God. I'm sure its a common feeling.

Zeus appeared with a ninja poof beside Poseidon, and comforted him in his grief, after reclaiming the hairdryer. They all went to the bar and got drunk, where they met Thor and Loki, and got into a fist fight, on which the Sane-Hatter, the Black-Rabbit, the Blue-Queen, the Window-Mouse and the September-Hare all took bets.

And they all lost because they all bet on Thor, and Thor died. How depressing.

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**And no, Stephanie Meyer is not really dead. **

**I think my notes nearly rival the chapters in length...**

**My bad!!**

**Please review and await part 2~ **


	25. Extra Chapter part 2

**Greetings! \\// **

**tis I, ATAIH. For those of you still reading this story (right through to the bitter, confusing, and sometimes amusing end), we thank you~ It means a lot to us :D**

**Us being Tree-Man, Psych0tic and I.**

**This chapter continues directly on from part 1, so please reread the end of the last chapter before reading this one :P**

**In this chapter are:**

**characters from Kingdom Hearts,**

**characters from Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core (and Cloud is included in that category, though he is only mentioned once)**

**Gackt appears too, for a very short while,**

**Edward makes a reappearance, and Sephy has a mini breakdown.**

**Tree-Man makes a short appearance too (hahaha)**

**please enjoy~**

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**PART 2**

The actor who played the role of Sho in the movie 'Moonchild', Gackt, suddenly floated into existence beside me. I had been just about to go down the mountain myself, and so I offered Gackt, (whose name I knew because he too was wearing a supermarket name tag), company on the way down. He gladly accepted (I think- my translator wasn't working again) and off we went. As we made our way towards the bottom I noticed two things: One- the dramatic range of his voice. He could speak in a range from that of a little girl singing soprano for a christian choir, to that of a male bass singer in a gregorian chorus, and seemed to have no control over the pitch of his voice. The incredibly tight leather pants he was wearing, may have had something to do with it.

Two- He was walking slower and slower, and as I looked back to check on him, I realised he had died. Shocked, I called for a doctor, and thus appeared Vexen, from Kingdom Hearts, wearing a white lab coat, and a supermarket name tag. Why was everyone here working in a supermarket?!

Vexen stabbed a knife into Gackt's chest, and examined closely for a moment. "I believe that this man is dead." He announced, pulling the knife free.

"But why?!" I cried in confusion. Vexen gestured at Gackt's corpse.

"Just look at him! He's so fat! Undoubtedly he died due to obesity related issues." I walked over to the body, and prodded it with a large stick.

"But wait!" I gasped. "Why, he is as skinny as this stick!" But then, of course, I realised that in Blunderland, anorexia is obesity, and obesity is anorexia, and bulimia is overeating and then eating some more. Suddenly, Gackt's corpse exploded into a puff of smoke, and from somewhere down at the foot of the mountain, a shrill scream could be heard.

"NOOOOOOOOOO, GAAAAAACCKT, without you, I am NOOOOTHIIING!!" I assumed that this was Sho, whom without Gackt, was a total no Sho. **(A/N hahaha, get it? the pun? THE PUN!? …. man we're awesome, like, the punniest people alive. HAHAHA did you get that one?! No? oh. … … ……)**. Zeus, having just remembered that he lost all his money when Thor died, began to sob uncontrollably. Because of some kind of chemical reaction in the sky, it began to rain Tuna, (chemical symbol TuNaSO4-).

Sighing deeply, I opened my metal umbrella, (inscribed with the words 'Buffy Summers'), and tramped down the mountain.

"Hello Bella!" Screamed a voice from the east. "I missed you THIS much!" Oh no! I thought to myself. I remember now, that's Edwardo! The vampire! From Twilight! Gasp! What do I do! Why are there so many exclamation marks! And why is Edward not a dead fairy! "WAIT!" I had an epiphany. "Banana's are an excellent source of potassium!"

Edward nodded in agreement.

"And also!" I continued, "He must have failed so badly at being a vampire, that he was shunned from being a fairy. Or, the writers just forgot about him, after all, he's only a minor character." Edward's happy expression drooped, and suddenly he seemed quite depressed.

"I'm so emo. I think I'll just quietly die now…" I was about to express what a brilliant idea that was, when out of the blue (the sky I mean) dropped Sephiroth, from Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core. His theme-music blared from the speakers draped over his shoulders, and he had taped black wings to his back with masking tape.

I jumped back behind my favorite gravestone (which I had been carrying around with me in case of these exact circumstances), as Sephy, in a sudden fit of Twilight-hating rage, attempted to kill Edward. But, as we all know, Sephiroth is the worst villain in history, and never manages to kill the people he intends, instead slashing up many innocent bystanders, such as Loki and Poseidon (who were in the middle of pickpocketing Zeus' wallet), and coincidentally also got Edwards nose, which explains a lot. (A lot of nothing).

I backed away slowly, holding my gravestone in front of me when I bumped into a tall, tree-like figure that fell backwards onto a conveniently placed gondola (the gods need to get up the mountain _somehow_, you know). Once the gondola reached the top, it tipped violently forwards, knocking the Tree-man onto a conveniently placed slide (the gods have to get down the mountain _somehow_, you know). Since it had recently been raining tuna fish, the Tree-man was disorientated and tried to stand up midway down. This did not go as planned. We're not sure what was _meant_ to happen, but we can safely say that it didn't. Instead, the Tree-man flew spectacularly off the slide, landing on the Trojan Horse that was laying siege to Mount Olympus (because the only place the gods can get off the mountain was down the slide). In shock, the Tree-man tried to plant itself into the Horse, but this was just not his day. I was watching the entire time of course, and I anticipated that from the horse would spring armour-clad men, wielding pointy swords and thunder powered hair-straighteners. Instead, as the Tree-Man attempted to grow from the dead wood, he accidentally set off a load of C4. The horse exploded, forming a mushroom cloud in the sky, (because of course, everyone knows that Tree-Men run on nuclear batteries), and bits of pig and wood flew everywhere.

Where the hell had the pigs come from?! My mind whirled around the possibilities as I helped myself to a nice, nuclear-baked side of bacon.

I walked away from the confusing mountain and subsequent crater and found myself walking along a beach. Hey, I guess Blunderland just takes you where it wants. I saw two folks enjoying chips and some form of tuna on the beach, surrounded by empty cans and seagulls. They were both wearing name tags, one which said 'Aerith; FFVII' (belonging to a girl, of course, with long brown hair and a hideous pink top), while the other said 'Assistant Super-Manager First Class Demyx; Kingdom Hearts Mega-mall' (belonging to a tall man wearing a black coat, with a large blonde mullet).

Zack, from Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core, (the man standing behind a rock), watching the girl in the pink top with a camera, was sobbing quietly to himself, muttering something about losing to a blonde, mullet-haired moron with an IQ of 13.9. I also heard him muttering something about slaughtering said moron, and putting the remaining pieces of him into the tuna cans, and feeding him to orphans, but we won't mention that. We don't want to be implicated in murder, I'm sure you understand. Suddenly, Zack was glomped from behind by a long-haired man. Sephiroth bawled into Zack's back, the words muffled by the arm of a teddy bear that was stuffed in his face.

"Aw, Zacky-poo," he emerged. "Everyone is laughing at me because I just can't kill anyone important! Even that sissy Kadaj was doing better than me, I'm-so-useless!"

The last part of this statement was muffled, due to the fact that Sephy had just buried his face into Zacks chest. "Aw, it's okay, Sephy-bear," Zack petted the silver haired-man's hair. "I'll take you back to my place so I can make you feel better. Cloud's been getting bored with just me, you know." I giggled madly to myself, and pranced back to Mount Olympus, where shit was more likely to go down.

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**Thank-you for reading! Please leave a review, PLEEAAASE**

**and don't forget to watch out for part 3!!**

**ciao**


	26. Extra Chapter part 3

I'm so sorry for not updating! Even though we knew it'd be late, I had fully intended on posting it by Tuesday at least, but ... T.T I completely forgot....

So sorry to all those who came to check for an update! -_-

**I'll say it once, I'll say it twice, If you're going to review us please be nice!**

**(I just realised, that is the first time I've even said that. Ah well.)**

**But thank you reviewing our story anyway- "The Awesome One"**

**(Also, please take lessons in learning to spell properly.)**

**R&R**

**oh, and (i always forget to say this) we don't own, well, pretty much any of the characters in these stories. so we disclaim anything copyright blah blah blah**

**Part 3**

_**"Aw, it's okay, Sephy-bear," Zack petted the silver haired-man's hair. "I'll take you back to my place so I can make you feel better. Cloud's been getting bored with just me, you know." I giggled madly to myself, and pranced back to Mount Olympus, where shit was more likely to go down.** _

As I approached Mount Olympus, I saw Zeus, who had sobered up a bit, and was crawling around on the ground. I assumed he'd lost his contacts and was looking for his wallet, (which I'd stolen from Poseidon when he wasn't looking). I threw a rock at his head to see what would happen. After a few moments, somebody actually popped out the top. I was so surprised that I actually fell over backwards, and accidentally destroyed an entire village of mushroom fairies.

Harry Potter, in all his wizardly glory, had been brought forth. He stood atop Zeus' head, wand in one hand, a spear in the other, and over his Hogwarts coat he was wearing women's battle armour, suspiciously similar to that of Athena's. He caught sight of Sephiroth, screamed "die Voldemort, die" and leapt from the head to the ground. Zeus, free from Harry's weight, collapsed. Sometimes gods have it tough.

Harry ran at Sephiroth, who was running away as fast as he could, crying for 'his Zacky-poo'. "You stole my hairdo!" Cried Harry, swinging his wand in repetitive circles. "Well, you stole my idea anyway, of growing long silky silver hair!!" Harry then paused, to contemplate what he had just said (while wiping the drool from the corner of his mouth). "Wait. Weren't you bald?" Sephiroth turned to face him in tears.

"I'm NOT BALD YOU STUPID TEENAGER!! I'm just thinning… It's just a phase… It'll grow back…" Harry wiped away some snot that had been hanging off the end of his nose.

"Oh. So, like, who are you?" Sephiroth glared at him, and hissed like the feral cat he really was.

"Like I'd tell you!"

"Oh yeah?!"

"Yeah!"

"Well, LUMOS!! Yeah, take that bitch!!" With this cry of evilness, Harry threw his wand at Sephiroth's head, which missed and flew straight past him, angering Sephiroth (more than before).

"BITCH!" He cried, and his hair leapt from his head (need I tell you that this entire time I was hiding in my invisibility cloak? I figured it was obvious) and flew at Harry's head, killing him instantaneously (for there is none that can withstand the wrath of the long-silky-hair).**(A/N this does not count as a kill intended by Sephiroth, as his Hair is a separate entity capable of exercising free-will)**

The long-silky-hair-of-doom, which was breathing heavily upon the ground (ominous, eh?), turned slowly to glare at me with red glowing eyes. Reattaching itself to Sephiroth's head, it leapt at me, dragging Poor-Sephy along with him, (who was screaming at the top of his lungs). I made a desperate run for it, wondering all the while why it had managed to see me in my super awesome invisibility cloak. I tore the useless item from my shoulders, and threw it at the monster (Sephiroth and his hair), because everyone knows you can't be afraid of a monster if its eyes are covered. I mean, if you can't see it, how could it possibly see you?

With this sound logic, I found myself arriving back at the beach, some way from where I had been before. It was a beautiful sunset, and I could see Edward sitting on a rug that was somehow hovering above the sand, looking out across the ocean. _Oh, hey, a window sheet_, I thought, and he turned around violently, gazing at me with his gorgeously feral, golden eyes. Wow, the whole scene suddenly got a lot uglier. _I wonder what Edward is doing here? I swear I had killed him off…_ **(A/N Damn it! He must have broken into our writing office to add himself back in! -we have a writing office?-)**

_Oh well._ Having nothing else to do, (and currently having run out of deadly weapons to hide down my cleavage - because Edward edited the story) I went over and joined him on the rug. Edward had been gazing at me the whole time, smiling in a pedophiliac-type manner, and now he giggled maniacally to himself. "Hey Bella, isn't it a wonderful sunset?" I nodded absently, wondering if I could melt the sand into glass to forge some kind of sharp object. He turned and leant in for a kiss - his 300-year-old morning breath leeching ahead of him to choke me - and I waited patiently for him to come within an inch of my face (I have the best poker face. No really, try me). As he reached my nose, I shoved out violently with my foot, pushing him backwards off the flying rug, where he landed with an 'oomph' on the sand. I leant back on the Persian rug leisurely, watching the sunset (takes a while here in Blunderland. Are we close to Antarctica here?) while Edward writhed in agony on the sand. _Ha, that'll show HIM to mess with the story again_, I thought smugly to myself, looking at the pretty colours while listening to the wonderful soundtrack of Edward dying (though I am unsure how that was achieved, unless he had a sand allergy o.o), and I thought to myself;

'_What a beautiful sunset.' _

_**TEH END**_

_**AGAIN**_

_**:D **_

**Thank you for reading till the end! (if you did) **

**We hoped you enjoyed the story. Please review! **


	27. Mostly Final Notice

**Yo**

**Just thought I'd post a notice for old times sakes.**

**We are thoroughly encouraged by the overwhelming response to our final chapter. I mean, a whole 1 review? How awesome! Anyways, I am just (sarcastically) letting all our extremely diehard fans out there know that, despite the fact that this story is complete, we would still appreciate reviews. Thanks. (This excludes you, Encypher. You already reviewed it)**

**Toodles  
Psych0tic  
\(.:..:.)/ ~rar~**


	28. Just to get back to the top!

Just updating to get back to the start of the stories! We want hits and reviews!

Psych0tic

\(.:..:.)/ ~rar~


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